Merry Christmas

I never imagined that I'd be,
Without you on this Christmas eve,
My love you mean the world to me,
But my love I've lost,
My belief in dreams,
My belief in hope,
And all it brings,
But for you my love,
This Christmas eve.

Cruel and Unusual Punishment

Though i try not to remember,
I will never forget,
A love that's forever,
Is a love that's never left,
Alone it stays with me,
Under cardiac arrest,
Convicted to a life sentence,
Confined solitarily,
Until my death.

I will fight no more, forever.

The Things Unsaid

Pain you bring,
From being mean,
Though i've messed up,
I'm changing things,
SO we can have a life,
And share our dreams,
For them to come true,
I will do everything,
To do this right,
And show you whats unseen.

People Suck

The love,
The hate,
The hands of fate,
Have struck me down,
Now death awaits,

To catch my soul,
But death doesn't know,
Unto her it was given,
Once long ago,

For this one thing,
I'll sacrifice,
For a care not given,
That will take my life.

Somehow

I am not well,
To me this you have told,
But i feel more than fine,
When in my arms,
you i hold,
Or the moments in time,
Your brown eyes,
In mine i behold,
For beauty is in thine,
When our two souls do meet,
Whilst baby steps we take,
Til our paths again meet.

Curtain Call

As the end of my journey nears,
I've not much left in the way of tears,
And though there may be much to fear,
I have no reason for which to care,

So as i wait for that dire day,
I'll continue on like life's okay.
Although deep down i writhe in pain,
From love i have for you in vain,

It's good to know that you've moved on,
And i won't be missed when i am gone,
Because i know i won't be wrong,
When i say goodbye and so long.

Not Much Longer

Shivering cold,
No warmth in this place,
Such is my life,
A simple disgrace,
And soon i must leave,
My demons i've faced,

Battles i've fought,
Though already lost,
The struggle within me,
Found to be for naught,
Giving my everything,
Now nothing i've got,

And it has been awhile,
For so many a thing,
I hope when im gone,
That peace is what death,
Will unto me bring.

Isn't It?

Pushing hard,
The days roll on,
Whilst my hearts been weak,
Somehow my hope stays strong,
Even though the odds are long,
And wish i might,
Yet im not gone,

So while im here,
Somehow standing,
This angst and fear,
In dreams reprimanding,
I wake up in tears,
Like raindrops landing,

They soak my pillow,
And stain my cheeks,
For inside i feel,
So small and meek,
But i must keep going,
Beacuse no one ever asked me,
What i think,

When i do tell you,
My innermost thoughts,
The scars i will show you,
From which they were bought.

Today

Truly is,
To my dismay,
I woke again,
To another day,
Trapped in this world,
I can't get away,
My souls passed on,
While i must stay,

I've been left here,
All alone,
And whilst no fear,
That i have known,
Still life lingers,
Unto me it's pain is shown,

So whether now,
Or on the morrow,
When i die,
No need for sorrow,
Because i will be,
No longer hallow.

Thee End

As hard as i have tried,
I can no longer hide,
From what this is,
I shall no longer live,
With this pain i keep inside,

I love you just as much,
As i ever did,
Too bad it is not enough,
In this life to forgive,

And i wish that i could say,
I'll see you on the other side,
Except that for the first last time,
I know my soul has died.

My Love

The damn breaks,
Gushing outward,
Upon a barrenness,
Drowning everything,
Within this,
Breathes a life,
And yet,
It lies motionless,
An essence,
Without,
Being not anything,
But everything,
To me.

Abandoned

My sadness comes,
From where happiness was,
A place that you made,
And filled with love,
But now it lies hollow,
For without your touch,
The pain it exudes,
For my heart is too much.

The Journey

The road i travel,
Is long and rough,
Alone i've made it,
Not near enough,

To the place,
I need to be,
It is where i'm headed,
Is it where she'll be?

I do not know,
Yet do not doubt,
It's where i'll go,
By any route,

So if you see her,
Please tell her this,
My love is hers,
And her love i miss.

Trying

All i know is my mistakes,
But how many can one man make,
In a life condemned by fate,
My love for you perpetuates,
A struggle i shall not forsake,
And show you that its not too late,
To love again and forget hate,
Because my love has raised the stakes,
I went all in yet still my heart aches,
Whilst for my love thine does await.
At a point where stars illuminate,
A chance to for us to capitulate.

Truly

Like this love,
A pain we share,
Is just more proof,
That life's not fair,

But what conquers all,
As it has me,
Will conquer this pain,
So our life can be,

Something more,
Never the less,
To get there,
I shall pass the test,

Though while i'm here,
And without you,
Time has stopped,
Forgetting what i knew,

Yet what i do,
From herein on,
To prove my love,
Until i'm gone,

For you are the one,
And always were,
On the side of love,
I shall not err.

By Myself

I am here,
Alas still waiting,
As you once did,
For me,
Thus stating,
Irony,
In pain you felt,
While you were here,
Now this pains myself,
Inhabiting your presence,
In my life with ill health,
Though wealth is gained,
I’m still so poor,
My love for you,
Unaccompanied by yours

Silent But Lovely

The silent darkness lingers,
Heavy on my heart,
I fumble round inside this place,
Trying not to fall apart,
The one that holds the key for escape,
Won't let me yet depart,
And still i am faithful to my love,
As i have been from the start.

So though somewhat neglected,
This love matures no less,
The matter thou contested,
Although admittedly the best,
I hold my faith as best i can,
And hope my strength passes this test.

Daydreaming

The love of my life,
Hasn't been in it,
I wish i could see her,
If just for a minute,

So i close my eyes,
Remember her smile,
Alone i am with her,
Just for this short while,

While i daydream.
Of the things that i miss,
I'm sorry our love,
Has come unto this,

But better days are to come,
Not too far away,
When we'll be together,
And we'll be there to stay.

Well, i just read the last thing you wrote again. Meg, i love you with all my heart. Though it's understandable you being unsure of whether or not to give this another chance. It hurts that much more when you get so upset with me when it's obvious i am trying. I explained my educational goals and their purpose, so maybe that will ease your mind a bit.

But that on top of the conversation we had last night, that really fucked me up. Maybe i deserve it, but please please please, don't let me do all this if you won't be the perverbial light at the end of the tunnel.
Now i'm on my knees Megan, I'm crying, begging you, let me do things right for us. You already told me you basically won't let yourself love me anymore. If you're strong enough to hide that from yourself, be strong enough to let me try one last time.

Truth in Pessimism

When my every success,
Is deemed to have failed,
With all i have left,
You will find it prevailed,

So though you may not see,
Every day is for thee,
Because alone it is hopeless,
Though together it may be,

And as i carry on,
With a struggle well fought,
Many things i may have,
But you're all that i've got.

A case of th Mondays

Sorry about the link. It was just a James Blunt song called "same mistake"( you never told me if you listened to any of his songs). When we weren't talking one by him called "goodbye my lover" made me think of you alot.

Anyway, First day of this 8 week session of school. (Btw, I finally found out i got a B in my Pol/Sci class) . I'm taking whatever i can at this point to get the 15 credits the recruiter says i need, and need 12 more. So far i've got Communications and Sociology M,W,and Friday. Tomorrow i'm going to try to crash an intro to psychology as well as an economics class. But, problem is, i still haven't gotten any of the grant money and obviously don't have anything for books. Of course i havn't been sitting on my laurels simply waiting to see what happens; Tomorrow my file is being reviewed (grades eyc.) and i will find out whether or not i'll be able to complete the classes. At the same time, if all goes well, i will be able to go to the recruiters and tell them to either start handling shit or quit bull shitting me. In either case, i also have an appointment with the college counselor to start laying out a gameplan for my education.
I've decided to go for a triple major, so as not to sell myself short. Business, Political Science, and Psychology. Preferably in that order.

Nothing else is really going on. I miss you horribly, though i'm sure you already know that.
And i am awaiting the day when i can finally hold you in my arms again. Love you Meg.

(I'll be back in a bit to write a poem)

Lost

My sweet love,
How i miss you,
The only joy,
That i once knew,
Was in your arms,
But love bid adieu,
Though it never left,
For me lies untrue,
As well the fact,
This love's askew,
No matter the case,
What i am to do,
Give life to this love,
So we can start anew.

Epilogue

O' so tired,
Of how i was,
When i decided,
To give up,

I said no goodbyes,
But one last thing,
To see my love,
Before my ending,

But it all went wrong,
No not as planned,
Because i'm still here,
Yet i'll be damned,

If i don't make it right,
With one last try,
Though i might,
My love for you won't die.

My Everything

Giving my all,
For Naught I fall,
But for you i crumble,
Like the berlin wall,

Making the changes,
Is just one step,
Trying hard,
To prove the rest,

And when it's done,
For you i'll come,
To have our life,
And share our love.

?

I really can't believe what i just read. I told you i'm doing everything i can. And when i actually show some real progress, it amounts to less than nothing in your eyes..? I understand, it's not much, but it's something. And i know that when i start, and do the job to the best of my abilities, they will put me on full time. Maybe not at first, but they will.

I told you i would do it though. I told you i would get a job and do my half. But if you've really decided it's not worth it for me to do so, just tell me. Don't post it here though, call me and tell me.

Drakness

A night alone,
Without my love,
Is darker still,
But from above,
The angels call,
To be part of,
The light that conquers,
Both of us.

Again

To begin again,
Some things must end,
Sacrifices made,
For more than a friend,
Is what you are,
To me You lend,
Borrowed time,
And time again,.

Another

Yet another day gone past,
Seemingly so fast,
Wish i could slow it down,
And make our time last,
Because my love for you,
Is so very vast,
The role in my life,
In which you've been cast,

Thus you play the part,
A starring role,
The prize my heart,
Of which you've won whole,
Not to mention,
My eternal soul.

A Voice

A voice calls out in the darkness,
A voice that i have missed,
A voice that echoes in my soul,
A voice of tenderness,
A voice that shines so brightly,
Like high noon during twilight,
A voice for a few minutes,
Graced itself upon my life.

Well, i started trying to write one, but the two verses didn't seem to connect.

Disconnected

Missing the touch,
Of my love so much,
Calls to say goodnight,
Her voice soothing,
But,
I no longer hear,
And the pain is such,
That i do not listen,
As i did once.

My Being

Blissful days,
I no longer know,
Whilst these dark nights,
Pass by so slow,
Cold and alone,
Is where i stay,
In of myself,
I am ashamed.

My Nightmare Pt. 2

Whilst i await to awaken,
From my personal hell,
I'm not sure that i'll make it,
And it seems just as well,
My destiny is chosen,
My greatest success is to fail,
So with what i have left,
One last attempt to prevail.

My Nightmare

I feel like i'm dreaming,
Some horrible dream,
Every night i'm repeating,
The same exact thing,
Thinking of you,
With eyes wet and tearing,
Wondering when i'll wake up,
All the while,
Feeling you next to me,
Even though you're so close,
I cannot hear touch nor see,
In any physical sense,
The beauty that is your being.

= /

I know we can, because i remember when you wanted/had to keep us a secret before. At the same time i guess it doesn't matter, because if you wanted to you would. Good night meg, Love u.

Alone

Again it's the same,
My love left alone,
It brings me a pain,
That no one should know,

This pain is my life,
Or so it may seem,
For when i sleep at night,
Even then tears it doth bring,

When i awake in the morn',
My heart too does ache,
And from this is born,
A sadness time cannot take,

Thus instead of getting better,
I feel that much more worse,
Because for you it's forever,
Still for me it does hurt,

No matter how much i miss you,
Nor how much i care,
It seems all for naught,
But always my love will be there.

hun,

As horrible as i feel about everything, you telling me you're sick and that you're not sure that you're going to be okay...well, it scares me. You know i love you, and i don't really know how to say this, but i want to see you meg. If only for a few minutes, just to hold your hand again, maybe go for a little walk, i dont know. I'm kind of reluctant to put this up because if you reply to it all the answer will more than likely be no. But at the same time i dont want to regret not asking.

I love you Meg, I'll pray for you and i really hope you feel better.

Sweet Dreams

When i close my eyes at night,
If i hold them together tight,
I can see my love right there with me,
And for just a moment,
I feel happy.

Until i open them again,
And remember where i am,
You're here with me,
My love,
Megan.

Then and Now

Walking through places,
Where we spent time together,
How happy you made me,
In times that were better,
Reminiscing on your smile,
Which i may see again never,
The tears keep on falling,
Because I will love you forever.

Dedication

And so it seems,
That if it isn't one thing,
It is a dozen others,
But through it all a promise,
I made to my lover,
Yet even more to myself,
Because i truly love her,

It consists of this,
Plus so much more,
For two simple hearts,
This world has torn,
These oaths i've made,
Silently sworn,
Upon my life,
Of this hope forlorn.

I Would

Once upon a time,
When i was your man,
I would kiss your lips,
I would hold your hand,
I would rub your belly,
When you had cramps,
You made me feel,
Like no one can.

Now i hurt so much,
For those simple things,
The only place i find them,
Is in my dreams,
And so i pray,
For eternal sleep,
To be with you,
And no longer weep.

Dead or Alive

I am to be left,
With nothing right,
Still seeking justice,
In my fight,

The struggle on,
From day to day,
I've dug this grave,
In which i lay,

Buried alive,
Resting in peace,
Though your eyes,
May never see.

Home

Home again,
Without my friend,
Nothing here,
For me you left,
It isn't right,
But such is life,
And so my love,
I bid you,
Goodnight.

That Thing

For a long time i searched,
And once found,
For it i yearned,
But never could i fathom,
The lessons i would learn,

Love does hurt,
So much more than it might seem,
The pain it causes far outweighs,
Any happiness it brings,

A life led with sorrow,
And ended by my dreams,
It's the only place i find content,
Until i wake up,
In silent screams,
With tears that fall,
To nothingness,
No solace does this world deem,
For me,
To be unworthy of love,
Employs my destiny

Somewhere

Writing this by moonlight,
On the bank of a river,
Stars shining so beautifully,
Off the water like a mirror,
Wishing i could swim away with it,
No longer being here,
Forgetting all this pain,
Seems like an answer to my prayers,
But i can never go home,
For that is where the heart is,
Yet being in love alone,
Has turned out to be the hardest.

Left With

I think of you,
So far away,
Why i'm alone,
And why i stay,
Faithful to this,
Emptiness,
You once filled this void,
Now i'm left with shit.

Too much

Away from the world,
But still left with my sadness,
Dreaming of you,
Is leading me to madness,
Looking back at all we had,
And all that could have been,
Of how you should be here with me,
But unfortunately,
Life is too unfair,
So for a man with too much love,
To ask for just a little bit,
Is asking way too much.

Still

I try my luck,
To find it's tried out,
My heart has left me,
And i've been alone,
For some time now,
Without a doubt,
I am clueless,
On how this love,
Has stayed devout,
Still it stays steadfast,
Everlasting this world,
That surrounds.

Reflection

These long days without you,
When i think about you,
At times i am doubtful,
But am glad to have found you,
Because if it wasn't for you,
I wouldn't know love,
Yet nor would i pain,
The sad fact of he matter,
Is they are one in the same.

Sadness

Another day,
Of so many,
Without which i've been,
On another journey,
Still it is for you,
That i've been wishin',
But it's time to turn in,
The sandman cometh,
So i'll see you in my dreams,
My love,
For it is all that's left.

A Dark Morning

I am not home right now,
But somehow,
I am where i ought to be,
But when will you see
That without you i am nothing,
Yet with the morning sun,
Rising up,
You may not think of me,
Though someday you may realize,
You're this nothings everything.

Carrying Me

I carry on
Not for myself
But for the hope
Of someone else

That someone who
I'll never know
But through this faith
With love will grow

So when they're here
I shall be gone
Though my spirit
Will carry on

Escape

I try to leave
But am locked in
My story ends
For yours to begin
Thus my loss
Becomes a win
I just hope
You learn from my sin

Honest

My eyelids heavy
As is my heart
Hating the time
We spend apart

Just one day
Seems like forever
My promise is
To love you better

But to keep this promise
I'll need your help
I cannot be in love
By myself

Fighting

Contemplating my sins
Debating with demons
That i hold within
Knowing i cannot win
But the battle continues
Much to my chagrin
It is all that i can do
To keep this love alive
Thus this is just prattle

Love

A brightness that warms me
And lifts me from here
To feel it is ecstasy
Feelings it cannot share

No matter the cost
I must find it again
Though it may be lost
I shall make amends

When that time comes
Not too far away
Shall my efforts be for not
On so blessed a day

Rediscovering the Undiscovered

One day my soul shall awaken
To see the love this life has taken
And a man that's been forsaken
No matter what he may partake in

Destiny chosen once long ago
By unseen forces we may never know
Where we have been is where we go
Back from the forth yet to from the fro

So when we get to where we once began
Making the same mistakes again
Retracing steps through an undiscovered land
Until we make a final stand

When that day comes
Objected by none
Shall there be justice
Or shall we be shunned

Seemingly

I've given my all
And then some more
Still i wonder
What its for

There's not much left
Of what was me
Living this life
Without belief

I struggle on
Day by day
An endless game
That i must play

So if i should get
To level nine
Know that the princess
Will be mine

My Journey

I shall not forget
My love for you
And thus not bid
This pain adieu
Where most would stop
I continue
On this road alone
I wil be your fool

Here i sit...

Here i sit
Broken hearted
Writing prose
For love departed

It left me here
Unto myself
Draining my soul
Of all its health

But here i sit
Here i will stay
Even though my love
Has gone away

I'll still be waiting
Here for she
Decided love
Just couldn't be

Reminiscing

There is just so much
That I miss,
Us holding hands
Our arguments,
Every time
We would kiss,
Was nothing less
Than passionate,
So one regret
I must admit,
My loving you
Has come to this

Something

I close my eyes
And see you smiling
Lay my head on the pillow
Another days gone by me
When the next one comes
With the suns rising
You'll be gone
I hope you're still smiling

Holding On

Holding on
To nothing
As i fall through this life
Missing what was never there
Keeps me awake at night
Try as i might
Can't right these wrongs
As i persist to fall along
I'll get drunk
And sing you songs
Until i find
Where i belong
I'll continue
To hold on

Not

Not a day goes by
That not a word is spoke
Not a thought am i
Not even a hope
So forget me not
Because she loves me
But because she loved me
Not

My Love

And so my love
Has left me here
Nothing to gain
Nothing to fear
Just my pain
Which i must bear
Everyday
Of every year

But as the 16th approaches
Memories abound
Heart shaped pizzas
Days so far gone now
With candles lit
And Mr bubbles
Only for my love
Would my mind be troubled

A Harsh Reality

Nothing much left
Physically weak
My body decays
As this disease eats
Laying in pain
I don't want to speak
I'll see the doctor
Thursday next week

That is if i make it
For seven more days
It might hurt alot
But i'm not afraid
Because it's no secret
For death i have prayed
You once gave me hope
But to rest
It's been laid

Another

Another disappointment
Another let down in my life
I loved that woman
With all my heart
She said she'd be my wife
She gave me hope
For one last chance
Then disappeared
Into the night

I guess she never really knew me
Never knowing how much i care
Would she ever consider how i feel?
How deeply i am in despair?
My heart i wore on my sleeve
Of the shirt i gave for her to wear
Too bad she never tried it on
For love she was unprepared.

Why?

Why do i keep going?
Why do i even fucking care?
Why do i cry when i think of her?
Why is life so unfair?

Why must life be like this?
Why am i living at all?
Why didn't i fly through that windshield?
Why did i get up from that fall?

Why did my heart stop?
Why did it start again?
Why did i wake up today?
Why won't the pain just end?

Why so many questions?
Why no answer to my calls?
Why am i alone in this?
Why should you be so appalled?

Because
My love
You are the answer
That wont answer me at all

Just a prayer

Lord help me
For what i have left to do
Will take much strength
That i don't have
So i put my faith in you

Me feet are weak
The journey long
And filled with so much strife
I've been through much
Yet much more to come
Will i make it to the light?

I close my eyes
Follow your voice
And know i'll make it through
But when i get there
To the other side
I just hope your words are true

He

He sits at his computer,
Tears streaming from his face,
A broken man,
Typing his heart out,
Into an empty place.

The cards this life has dealt him,
All jokers it does seem,
With the deck stacked high against him,
This man continues losing.

Yet he keeps on playing,
All he needs is one good hand,
To help him get out from this rut,
If he can't than he'll be damned.

So he sits at his computer,
This man who's all alone,
Writing poems to his lovely wife,
Wishing that he were home.

Neglect

Again i sat alone in silence
Waiting for her touch
She left me here
With words i dreaded
I told her i feared as much

Still they were said
And i was left
For hours to reflect
Now it seems
That i'm at fault
For pain she did inflict
A pain as deep as my love goes-
My love-
Did you forget?

I'm human too
I feel these words
Just as much as you
Tears you can bring
From simple things
But i'll still be your boo

Not even funny...

For the ump-teenth time i just read the last thing you posted. And up until this last time i thought you were working a 12 today. But this last time i read it correctly. It's been all day, you have said nothing at all. Are you fucking with me? Is this all some cruel fucking joke? I know i dont deserve the love you have given me. This was never about forgivness, just like it was never about wooing you. I just wanted you to understand why i love you and why i did what i did...But not this...If you're going to hate me than hate me. If you love someone else or cannot love me again then tell me to my face.

I know as a man i need to do things right. And i would. But without you it's not not worth it. And I CANNOT play games. I don't mean to say that it's with or with-out you. I've explained all of this. But don't lead me on...please. Tell me the truth. Don't give me any false hope or reason. I have already said my goodbyes to those that i love and who love me, including you.

I tell you that i am trying. And i mean it. If you really truly have no faith in any of this, just come here when i am. give me the ring, tell me, and walk away. At least then i will know that there was nothing worth fighting for. That giving up isn't so bad. In any case: i will say it again and again and again: my love is yours forever, because forever you are my love. All of this sounds crazy even to me, But it's your crazy.

I will continue

I dont know what to think
I dont know what to say
I cant believe its happening
I quit this fucking game

I continue to write
Continue to believe
Like my love it continues
For all eternity

So she keeps on listening
To every scramble of the dice
Not knowing i've quit rolling
I've Given up on this life

My strife
Hasn't been worth it
So quite apparently
My wife
wont see my love
Or how i do it
Husbandry
So Humble-lee
For her it is
May never be
Though i continue
With my love
For her
She may not
Ever see

Love Again

Back together
And yet still apart
Picking up the pieces
Of each others hearts

I'll keep on looking
For what i must find
Hoping when i do
You'll be by my side

I don't know when
Or even how
But i'll need you then
Even more than now

I'll need your hugs
I'll need your kisses
Because i do know
What i've been missin

To hold you tight
And keep you close
This time it's different
I won't let go

O yeah.

The job search is going shitty. And i'm going to have to drop one of the 2 classes i'm taking because i cant even afford the books right now.I applied and should get the financial aid. But thats not until October. I already had planned to take 3 8 week classes from October to December, now im just going to take 4. Well, im going to start cleaning my room. Thoroughly. So I wont be on here for a bit. You have my number (but i know you wont call). Love you babe. ttyl

Well,

fml stands for "fuck my life"...And i wasn't speaking of someone in my family stumbling upon this.
I was speaking of people who know how to use the net and computers. I only found this site when i googled something and a couple of peoples blogs popped up.

These poems are not and were never meant to woo you. They are just an outlet for my love,pain, and anguish. I wanted you to know how i felt. I never even considered you calling,seeing, or talking to me ever again.The look in your eyes that day told me as much.But i am glad you like them. Even if some of them are confusing.

But i know how you are when you get stressed.I'm so so so sorry i've done this to you. To us.
I don't know what to say. I love you.

As for what i've said to David and Sadied or anyone else for that matter. I really couldn't say much.Not in words anyway. In Davids case, he's struggling enough as it is.He knew for a minute how sad and fucked up i was. And he knew what it was about. After all he is my brother. But if i tried to sit down and have a conversation with anyone about any of this i would break down.
At one point i was so fucked up over this i walked into the damn corner market over here and the lady behind the counter took a glance at me and immediately asked if i was okay. I'm still not. But, for the time being i will pretend.

Again babe, please don't worry about me or any of this. This is for me to worry about. The one thing i never want to do is hurt you,ever again. I wish i could take back all the hurt i've created for us. That letter and these poems were never intended or expected to somehow bring you back to me. I know i just wrote this a minute ago,but: I love you. If there ever is to be an "us" again, I don't want to give it what i always have. Because then i'll just get what i've always got. I want to give it something different, something better. So stop being so stressed. Stop thinking so much.
Just know that i love you.Know that i miss you. I know where you stand on all of this. I know you love me, and i know you miss me too. So there's nothing really to think about. Either i'm going to fail or succeed in my attempt to do this right. I know the consequences of both. If i fail, then i don't deserve you, regardless of how much i love you. If i succeed, i probably still don't deserve you. But then that's where it's going to be up to you, that's when you are going to have to think about things. Not now, not yet.

In closing: On the P.S. part...Well,she's taken care of. I can say that for sure. Judy and Jimmy and Joyce would have nothing else.Because how else would they supplement their incomes.
As for me, you know how much i love my grandmother. And when she does leave this world i will be very fucking sad.But at the same time, I will be happy for her. She has told me numerous times how she has prayed and prayed then prayed some more for God to just take her. And i don't blame her. I mean, she has been without her beloved for twenty-seven years. Put yourself in her shoes for a second (but like i said, don't think too much). Imagine if we spent 40+ years together,then one of us passed.Then being stuck here without the other for as long as she has been? Not cool. Soooo not cool. Like i said, i will be very sad from missing her. Man, i remember being a little kid, playing kings corners or Gin Rummy with her in the living room. Or even before that, when i was like 4. She would be at bingo until 12-2 in the morning. I would stay awake and wait for her to get home. When i was a little kid, my grandma was my best friend. I just realized i never told you any of this. But at the same time I had forgotten. fml.

I love you Megan, thank you for reminding me,seriously.

The Struggle

I must fight
To stay on my feet
So many blows
This worlds dealt me
No matter what
I shall stand
And take this pain
Like a man

Though i will not win
I cannot lose
Because when i come home
I'll come to you
I'll squeeze you tight
With kisses too
Then i'll let loose
the good news

I lost the fight,
You won the war
Because all along
My love is yours

Oh my love:

I'm sorry you are having a bad day. I really am. But i'm not sure what you meant when you wrote you "want to give up and quit you are not successful".Did you mean you want to quit but can't? Or that you feel like you're not successful? I don't know what to say about the first one.
What i can tell you is that you are successful. I know it may not seem like it with how much your mom pilfers your purse; but i don't know anyone who has accomplished as much as you have at our age. I know it's hell with your mom. Above the fact that my room is a hellish mess, If i thought i deserved it at all i would ask you to come back and stay with me.



I'm pretty sure we were still seeing each other (i was going to put "together" in lieu of "seeing each other", but you never really left me) when i was trying to get a restraining order on jimmy. With the optimal goal of getting him out of the house. Well mainly judy, but no one in the family would have my back in the matter. Before we went to court, after i got the temporary, He was gone, shit was getting better. Then it got shot down, he came back, his check got cut down to $700 and he started getting his money same place i have been (grandma). Only difference is he isn't getting 10 here, 20 there. 2-4 days after he gets his check, he goes in and cleans out her wallet for her, which is at least 1 g . A week after that he'll get get a check from her for a few hundred, and so on every week until the 1st comes around and the cycle starts again. Even then nobody kicked jimmy out. Instead Joyce and Judy went with grandma to the bank, closed her savings, and opened an account in their name with all the money. So now you know what i meant about how sad yet un-surprising things here have become.

But don't be lonely. I'm always here for you. And my family has known for a long long time how i feel about you. They knew even more when i put a ring on your finger. lol, david hasn't even put a ring on sadied. As for what i've said...Just regrets, about how i've fucked up. That night before i read you're first post, i told my mom how much it hurt that you hated me and wouldn't even talk 2 me.Really though, what else could i have said? But no one knows about this. No one knows about all the poems. I put the intro thing at the top just in case somebody should stumble upon it and wonder "what the fuck?". If and when we work this out though i hope i can still write you a poem everyday.I know i will try, but i also know i only write anything good when i'm really sad.
I've got a ton of raps and poems all of this gd house you've never seen. Most of them suck though. I've looked at them and know if i sat there with them i could take pieces from each one and put them together to make a few really good ones, just never have.

I've been meaning to address the part you wrote about us not being able to conceive, didn't know where exactly to put it in all this, figure this is just a good a place as any i guess. So again: if and when we work this out...better yet when i work this out; I will go to the doctor and pay what ever needs to be paid, fix what ever needs to be fixed, and hope we will have one (maybe twins, but hopefully not septuplets). But i have always wanted one with you. We talked about it, more than we talked about our wedding and your black gothic type dress. I told you i want to be able to spoil our baby/babies. But in and of that fact, what i didn't say or tell you, is i don't want them to be around any of the shit most of my family has had to grow up around or go through, what Nat and Andy have had to grow up around.

Lastly, I would only wish you luck if i thought for a millisecond that you needed it. Even if you didn't have your credentials, I can't see anyone saying no to you. But i do wish you luck my love.
Luck and an so much more. Love you ; )

I thought...

...it was going to be another 2 days of forever before you posted anything else if anything else. I don't remember exactly what i said that night, but i do remember what happened. So maybe you didn't technically "throw" the ring, but you didn't hand it to me. Two of the pieces were spread across the table and one fell to the floor. But it doesn't really matter at this point. And the fact that you would only put a ring on my finger if we actually get/got married, actually seems fair.

But i told you in the letter, i pushed you away because i knew at the time i couldn't be able to give you what you deserve. But i was wrong. The fact that i have a felony on my record doesn't help any. But i'm not going to use that as an excuse anymore. I am able to give you what you deserve. I just have to try.

And i always wanted to marry you. I thought about it allot. I've always wanted for us to get married in front or on top of one of the pyramids in Egypt. Or at least honeymoon there. Though i may not share the love or interest that you have for these things. The pyramids are still fucking awesome.

Okay, tylenol p.ms are kicking in. I'm sorry if the poems are confusing to you. I guess they're not in a prose style (not straightforward). And i think i understand. i would try to explain what i think understand, but i'm pretty drowsy right now and don't think i should try right now.

Goodnight Megan

Untitled

As i lay me down to sleep,
I pray to the lord this pain to take,
So should i die before i wake,
Let the world know,
T'was from heart break,
Though this life be it what we make,
We never see what is at stake,
All the dreams that we forsake,
It is why some love,
What others hate.

Jesus help me

Well, thank you for letting me know that you are reading these.I'll try to stop making separate posts that speak directly to you. But i can't stop saying i love you. If i had had to choose between loving you and breathing, i would use my last breath to tell you i love you.

And yes, i remember every horrible thing i've said to you and what its done. You never deserved any of it. I was angry and hurt. though i always seem to be the one who angered and hurt myself. That's why i keep telling you i'm sorry. That night you called me and told me you were pregnant,
I should have been at your door asap. I never needed porn, can't say why i had it. I'm just a guy i guess. I look at the other half of the pics i left with you and know i had the most beautiful woman in my bed. In the rain. and you stayed. A month and a half ago, i was going to sue for the ring. Went to the courthouse, filled out all the forms. And the day before i was going to file them,i remembered what you told me:"Don't ever take it off my finger unless you don't love me anymore". So even though you had thrown it on the floor that night, i realized i was doing it again. I was about to take my anger and pain out on someone who didn't deserve it. I may have been hurting because of you. But other than that night and the fact you never put a ring on my finger. I have never really been hurt by you. You have done nothing but love me. I'm sorry.

As for me succeeding only if u want me? Not true at all. I had already signed up for college classes. And you know im not dumb or incapable. But you are my love. No matter what accomplishments this life may hold for me, or those that i hold for this life. Without you it's not worth any of it.

Before i got on the computer and read what you first wrote, i had come home crying. I had given up completely. I had to tell my mom that its not her fault, because i know if i didn't she might blame herself.She tried to talk to me. And i told her the same thing i'm telling you now. It's not worth it. It's not worth going through life pretending not to be sad, with these kind of regrets.

Then there's whats going on around here at home. I would go into it, but it's almost as sad and as heartbreaking as all of these poems. The only thing that isn't taking it to that level is the fact that it doesn't come as much of a surprise.

Anyway,I think i've addressed about everything that you wrote. It kinda makes me not want to persevere. But i'm not going to give up or do it half ass. Not this time. I'm going to give it all i've got and then some. I love you.

fml.

I went to the interview. Problem is, apparently their internet appointments are messed up, so there was no interview. Though I spoke to a manager and she told me to call tomorrow morning when the h-r is there. Also there's a lot of people trying to fill this same position. But i have a good feeling about it. I know i can present myself exceptionally well and speak eloquently when i want to, which i'm sure will put me ahead of alot of the other applicants.

Well, it feels like forever since you wrote anything on here. Even though it's only been 2 days.
I wonder if you're reading this at all. Or if you're reading it and just not posting anything.
I shouldn't be worrying about it though. I know i need to stay focused on finding a job and my school work. It's just hard to do so. You're constantly on my mind. I continue to go back and read what you have written here.It makes me want to hold you in my arms even more.

Love you

Not So Simple

A simple kiss
your lips on mine
For this moment
Every thing is fine
And so i hold it
Keep on trying
Don't let it go
This loves not dying
If i should slip
Grip me more tightly
When you open your eyes
You will find me
Seems i've been lost
And needed saving
Can we go home?
Can we make our babies?
I will do my half,
Will you be my lady?

My Will and I

Tonight i'll think of you,
But will you think of me,
This love i will die for,
But will i live to see,
Or even will it be,
Will i ever know,
This love you have given me,
This love we cannot show,
This love on that brick wall,
You wrote and set in stone,
My will has become weak,
Yet stronger than before.

Meg...

I wish i could say this to your face. But maybe this way is better in the fact that i'll be able to say it without leaving anything out.You know that i miss you, and (i hope) you know that i love you.
But I have to admit that i am very scared. I know that i'll be able to somehow get my shit together.
And i know that it's not going to happen over night. I'm estimating about 2-3 months to save up what we'll need. But i know that day will come. What i'm scared of is you changing your mind.
You said that it is going to be up to me. But when it comes down to it, it's going to be up to you.
My hand will be there, it's going to be up to you to decide whether or not to take it in yours.
Meg, i love you, and i hope that me doing what i should have done a long time ago is going to be enough. Even though i'm scared that it might not be enough, I'm going to do it. And when i do you won't be able to call me a "no good" anymore ; ) .

I am closing my eyes and tucking you in. Sweet dreams my love.

Silencio de Corazon

My heart has been silenced,
Yet still it speaks,
'it says so much,
Through the tears that i weep,
Or when just for you,
It skips a beat.
My heart has been silenced,
Except when i sleep,
Because you never left me,
Alone in my dreams.

My Last Failure

My heart aches,
This love makes.
My knees weak,
But one day,
When i wake,
I hope you'll be there,
For real this time,
It's not fake,
Destiny to be my fate,
In your eyes,
Love we made,
The beauty inside you,
On my life,
I shall stake,
Not promises,
But truths,
Revealed by this heartbreak.

Meg, i've always wanted our own. You have no idea. But your right. We can't be friends. because you are my love.I can't promise you anything, for it will be hard enough. But if i can get a job, make it to where it's possible to have our own; Will there be a chance for us? Or is this really over?
I'm so fucking broken. I swear my heart actually aches. I told you i'm ready to quit. But i'd rather try to do things justice. To do you justice. I hope when you said you wouldn't look at this page again you were lying. I need to know if there's a reason to try or if to give up this life and pain. If you really don't look at this page again i will write you a letter 2morrow. In the mean time i will earnestly start looking for work. I miss you.

By the way

I dont know what keeps you from me. Because regardless of everything else..You are my best firend.

Oh my

My friend
My lover
My one
No other
My son
My daughter
My children
Their mother
There is
No other
Truthfully I love her
Never place
One above her.

My case
I plead
To the gods
I scream
Please
They answer
With you
For me
My dreams
Come true
But what
To do
With lies
So true
Being
The one
Subtracted
From two.

Influenza Of The Soul

I gave up long ago,
But your love still has it's hold,
Gripping so tight,
Constricts my soul,
I cannot dream,
Can sleep no more.

You make me feel like no one else,
Even now you infect my health,
Sick every day for the cure you hide,
Stuck on this earth not quite alive,
Thought it dead but still it lingers,
Like a cancer,
This love,
A plight,
So grievous.

Invisible

My eye lids lift,
I look around,
I'm in your bed,
Wondering how.

I hear your voice,
Call out your name,
Waiting for a reply,
That never came.

Now on my feet,
Walk down the hall,
Find you under your bonnie,
But something is wrong.

Calling out your name,
You don't even flinch,
I can't comprehend,
Any of this.

Through me you look,
As if i'm not here,
Asking can you see me,
Or do you not care.

Incomplete

As i continue on this weary road,
Nearing completion of my goals,
Nothing will fulfill my soul,
She stole my heart,
Never again will i be whole.

So it matters not what i accomplish,
Because i'm caught in love,
With no accomplice,
On down a pit that must be bottomless,
Praying for death to put a stop to this.

Let me rest now let me sleep,
To know nothing eternally,
And better yet don't let me think,
Like her leave me with memories.

Still Falling

Hope the guard's relaxing,
Sneak into the hall,
Quarters jingling,
I make the call,
Convo for awhile,
Then i drop the ball,
"I think i'm in love with you",
Your words didn't even stall.

From there it went,
For 5 short years,
So many smiles,
Many more tears,
We shared our hearts,
We shared our fears,
If you only knew,
How much i care.

I loved you then,
As i do now,
I would try to stop,
But don't know how,
Even if i did,
I probably couldn't,
I would still be falling,
Calling catch me,
But you wouldn't.

Knowing

No last kiss,
No goodbye,
Know that i miss you,
No need to lie,
I'll love you always,
For all of time,
When this life's over,
Maybe we'll find,
A way to show,
Love we now hide,
Because it's something,
That will not die.

My Demise

So none shall see,
What is to be,
Through all my dreams,
It does seem,
Cloaked in the shadows,
My foe creeps,
To my demise,
That foe is me.

Reminiscing In This Darkness

My arm around you,
Your sweet dimples and smile,
I put the picture down,
Sit and cry for awhile,
Memories of us then,
Two naieve like a child.

You are the one,
I dedicate my life to.
There will be none,
To recieve my love,
In the way that you do.

So hate this if you must,
Just another pain that will plague me,
Added to the ring you threw off,
Me not giving you babies,
You not being here,
The hurt is making me crazy.

My best friend,
Is exactly what you are,
In yours holding my hand,
When the lights got dark,

But it's dark again,
And your not here,
I'm alone in this darkness,
All alone...with my tears.

Never

It seems that the world would have me forget,
And bring love true as mine unto nothingness,
Thus my heart stands strong for this i shall not let,
Rooted deep in my soul 'til my lifes last breath,
I'll hold on with a grip that is tighter than deaths,
And battle that which would find happiness in its absence,
Forever i told you-exactly that which i meant,
To have and to hold from under my left breast,
And so from my love you are never exempt,
Even if this my love you could never accept.

When without you i awake

Looking at you,
Then the ceiling,
Just a fool,
My eyes start swimming,
Tear drops pool,
Heart beats skipping,
This isn't cool,
To have life,
But not living.

Wish i could drink and drive,
Pedal mashed down,
In the wrong lane,
Or maybe a sky dive,
From downtown,
What the fuck is a plane,
13 stories is high enough,
Plus parachutes are pretty lame,
Headlights at terminal velocity,
Probably would be better,
Than this pain,
It's not insane,
It's just how i feel,
When without you,
I awake.

I Remember

So much time has passed,
Since with you I was last,
How many times that i have wished,
This life didn't move so fast.

So you may forget,
And be much better,
But forever yet,
My heart remembers.

Your smile and lips,
Your tongue when we'd kiss,
Your blonde hair and brown eyes,
Just some of the things that i miss.

With your hand in mine,
I'd be doing just fine,
You'd "never let me push you away",
T'was but a lie.

For better or worse,
More words that shall linger,
Like me being your beloved,
Whilst never a ring on my finger.

Those three words were easy,
But where could my love be,
Unimaginally painful,
Those words by her,
Not unto me.

Then the two words we did speak of,
Words that we never spoke,
Two words that are full of love,
Words for which on I had my hopes,

These two i remember hearing,
Never being said yet with both of us to blame,
Still their abscence get my thoughts to wondering,
Of if my love was just a game.

What are these two words,
And why are they so cool,
Because before i closed my eyes and kissed you,
We said the words,
I do.

When You Were With Me

When you were with me,
I thought i was strong,
But as you move on,
I realize i was weak all along.

When you were with me,
The roof would leak,
On those winter eve's,
But still here with me.

When you were with me,
I was such a fool,
Then not knowing,
My dreams had come true.

When you were with me,
You were my Rose,
Titanic love,
Jack Dawson prose.

Moving On

I've been here for awhile,
Broken,
Defiled,
One piece of mine,
To give me peace of mind,
Three lives broken,
For what reason is hard to find.

Moving on,
The world around me,
Still i sit,
Yet no one can see,
The man that's here,
In this Valley,
I have no fear,
Shadows surrounding.

But pain i know,
And love i knew,
My love her name was,
Her name...was you.

Last Night

Last night i spoke to you,
And you tried to speak back,
The silence was screaming,
To take it all back,
To try once again,
Sure...give it a go,
So I did just that,
And stepped out that door,
Next thing i know,
Im there on your porch,
Ready to run,
But where to and what for.

Beautiful as ever,
You appear before me,
I Blink my eyes,
Now back on that jetti,
Writing a poem,
Of love and slurpees,
Thinking of carnivals,
and me on one knee,
Then us making out,
on that brick wall in the alley,
Whilst watching alexander,
at the palm AMC.

Thats when i realized,
That i was asleep,
There is no more us,
No more Tiger,
Nor Phillipe,
I awaken,
I weep,
I cry,
For simply,
This morning im alone,
Last night,
You were with me.

Last words

The rest of our lives,
having our babies,
the last words you said,
remind me im crazy,
For you are far gone,
Yet still here with me,
You carry my dreams,
And keep my heart beating,

My heart is not broken,
Its just a half,
You carry the other,
And on it you pass,
You keep on walking,
I'll cry while you laugh,
Isn't it funny,
I'll be here when it gets back,

But thats why i cry,
For i know it's not coming,
But i can still close my eyes,
And still you look stunning.

My first

My first,

My last,

My future,

My Past,

My hopes,

My dreams,

My god,

I ask,

Why her,

Why me,

Why us,

Why this,

Why love,

Why life,

Why death,

My bliss.