I wish i could say this to your face. But maybe this way is better in the fact that i'll be able to say it without leaving anything out.You know that i miss you, and (i hope) you know that i love you.
But I have to admit that i am very scared. I know that i'll be able to somehow get my shit together.
And i know that it's not going to happen over night. I'm estimating about 2-3 months to save up what we'll need. But i know that day will come. What i'm scared of is you changing your mind.
You said that it is going to be up to me. But when it comes down to it, it's going to be up to you.
My hand will be there, it's going to be up to you to decide whether or not to take it in yours.
Meg, i love you, and i hope that me doing what i should have done a long time ago is going to be enough. Even though i'm scared that it might not be enough, I'm going to do it. And when i do you won't be able to call me a "no good" anymore ; ) .
I am closing my eyes and tucking you in. Sweet dreams my love.
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I can't believe I'm crying writing this. I want you to know that I'm afraid of you. You have destroyed me and all my faith in true love. I'm happy by myselfe, I'm afraid of hearing your voice on the phone. I know that everything thing you've promised or wanted you simply gave up on doing, just to stay up all night playing video games and fucking porno!! We wont survive together if you need that over me in our bed next to you. I'm soooo over your shit, I will not alow myselfe to be hurt or disapointed by you ever again. Weve tried to do this with only our love and it isnt enough. I have always desired a partner, someone to come home to and have dinner together because were exausted from work. Someone that dosent have a set day of the week for a drunken video game party with friends. My wants for my future arent your wants, you dont want to come home to our simple life and make babies and do family things. I desire days in the sun at the beach with my husband and our little babies. Babies that you've told me you dont want with me. I dont understand what has changed??? You keep hurting me over and over. Now your on drugs, Im sure you still have your notorious drunken bar incidents. None of this I will ever alow in my life again! Ever! I have to make myselfe happy I need a partner, you never were seriouse with us everything is such a joke to you. I can't believe I try to convince myselfe that I hate you. I know that if we had our own place, you had a job and actually ever celebrated one of our aniversary's or even one of my birthdays I would let you close to me again. I'm such a fool to think that you would ever be seriouse enough about me to make these wrong's to me rite. Ever since you came here I've been destroyed, I cry, even typing this I'm crying. My mother and family have fought, screamed and threatened my daily in fear that I would even consider speaking to you again let alone touching you. I'm having nightmares about you now. Before in my dreams you would save me or make love to me. Now your leaving me again to drown. I'm torn and confused I'm jelouse of my brothers home, wife, babies and there partnership to make it through this life together. I'm bitter and upset at you. I'm having trouble typing I keep crying too hard.
ReplyDeleteI feel like I want to scream at you and for the hurt you've caused me. I know you, I know you won't get a real job with real day hours, I know you won't get us our own place, I know that you'll choose pot, porno, friends, the bar, and mushroom trips in the wood's with Jay over me! I know that you'll never want me to be pregnant. I know that you don't want to see me in a wedding dress. I know that you'll never come home from work and make love to me on our couch or the floor or were ever we land. You know what I need from you, I know what I deserve from you. My answer to you is I'll wait, we'll see if you realy want this. I know how you give up. You always just quit! I can't wait to see if you realy want us this time. At least I'll have piece knowing at the end of this what you really want with us.. M