How the universe conspires against me

So, I ended up eating not long after my last post. I was led to believe things were about to get better, but of course I was just being strung along. Whether intentional by her or not. And regardless of whether she actually wants/wanted to spend time with me, our work schedules (I got a job) are conflicting so it isn't gonna happen.

But im done. Been done. Don't really give a fuck.

Suicide by helium <3 its really simple and painless. So with the money from my job ill be able to get a large enough tank and a room for a couple nights to do what I've wanted to do for a long time. Ill finally be able to hold our babies M

Been a long ass time

 I'm a little ashamed that I look back and see how I turned this page into something besides what I initially intended. But I guess it's just become a place i come to write when im hurting.  Hence why im here now.  Not that I haven't hurt since I've last written, but for I time I was disconnected from the internet.  And by the time I did have access again, I was so done with everything that I had to shut myself off emotionally. Which was great.  Hardly left my spot. Hardly talked to anyone. Dead to the world.

Eventually though, I had to make my way back to having some semblance of a life.  The usual:needed a job.  No one really hiring where I would be able to work, so I started volunteering at the salvation army. Practically full time. It kept me busy, and I was still maintaining my emotional state, or lack thereof as it were.  Anyway, even after everything I've been thru, I never shook the part of me that likes to be a flirt, and I managed to garner the affections of the woman who was my boss.

I didnt mean to, because In my heart, I gave up on having anything special with anyone.  But after she quit where I was volunteering, I started helping her out at her new job, spending more and more time with her. Anyway, between that and where im going with this, I fucked up and caught feelings. Didn't even realize it til recently when things started going bad between us.  Over dumb shit too.  Bottom line though is im feeling it, and it reminds me of M.  It reminds me that I am way too fucked emotionally for any kind relationship.  But she broke that barrier down and here I am: throwing my words into this void, wondering if anyone will ever read this. Even i dont go back and read the stuff. It's just thoughts to words at this point, trying to get some kind of release.

Chances are good I'll find myself back here again.  Maybe not soon, but eventually.  Still wonder If youre out there though babygirl, I haven't forgotten about you.  I still dream about you sometimes, and im sorry for the pain we caused each other.  

 I smoke with the gods 

Dance with the d3vils

Pray for death on the daily

But the heavens forsake me

So I hate life til they take me

Savage what they made me

Still the world wants to break me

Meanwhile I'm the bad guy

Cuz I ain't allowed to die with dignity

Just a burdensome piece of shit

Not worth the air I breathe

Looking forward to the day 

I rest under 6 feet to see R I Ps

Fuck my life

Fuck my dreams

Loved I'll never be

Destined for nothing 

And you wonder why I won't listen

To your fronting ass bullshit

Like I never had sumthin

Just as good as you was

Jive turkey talking 

And I hope you choke to death 

On all the dick you be goblin 

Suicide by starvation?

 I'm surely dying, and glad of it.  Seven days without any food and but a couple sips of water in the first 48 hours.  I am letting myself have energy drinks, but other than that I'm not ingesting anything.  

I hope so bad my body shuts down and this is all over before someone has medics drag me to the hospital and force sustenance into me. But in the meantime, as I lay here with nothing better to do but wonder how my life has turned out this way: I wish so hard I could just go home, to that dingy, cold patio we spent so much time together in, and you be there in your p.js waiting for me. 

I can close my eyes and see it. You're mad because you've been missing me and waiting for me. You ask me "where have you been?"...

All I can say is "I'm sorry" as I walk up to u and wrap my arms around you

That's when I start sobbing though. Because it's all just a delusion in my head.  With tears streaming down my face I open my eyes and I'm in this rancid garage attached to another house not far from the place I somehow still consider home.  

I wish we could've been allowed to just love each other Meg, and I'm sorry for everything.  I just want to hold you again so bad my love.  

Every day is hell

 This is so hard for me.  Its bad enough having to be going through what i have been with this last chick.  But on top of that my moms being her usual cuntish self treating me like shit for no real reason, and in the process decided to remind me of M.

M was the reason i started this blog.  We were young (in our 20s) and stupid in love with eachother.  But we were young, and both sucked at communicating. Whether it was with ourselves or to one another.

One of the biggest things i wish i could go back and say to her is how much i needed to actually feel loved by her.  Especially when we slept together.  Sometimes when we were able to take a mid day nap, it was great.  We actually held eachother, and slept *together*.  But when it was actually time for us to go to bed, i was always pushed away. Literally and figuratively. Cuz even once i got in some kinda position that didnt disturb her, she would still complain "your nose is whistling" or something else where alot of times, i ended up having to sleep with my back to her. And i hated it.

I loved her, and i wanted to be close when we were in bed.  I wish i couldve said so when it was going on. Cuz maybe she wouldve understood why i didnt come to bed alot of times. Staying up playimg video games until i just couldnt stay awake longer. But i didnt realize it at the time. I just reacted to the hurt, which hurt her more, then i felt guilty...it was just a vicious cycle.

But i wish i could tell her all this shit.  Cuz i know we're both still wounded from all the stuff we went thru when we were together, nevermind everything that we did to eachother after.  I miss her dearly tho, and if you ever read this baby girl: i still love you. I still cry over you. And i miss you.

Love Alone

 I love you with my every breath,

I give until there's nothing left,

My soul is yours, my smile too,

But right now im lost,

Since i'm without you.

So take my dreams,

While i shed these tears,

Loves eternal flame still burns brightly,

As it has and will,

For countless years,

And though i can feel you,

When my eyes i close,

Next to me,

Is where i need you most.

I hate who im becoming

I guess its pretty obvious that this pain is turning into an outward anger.  But how many times am i going to give my heart, and try so hard, only to be treated like nothing more than an emotional punching bag so someone else can feel better?  I did everything right. I loved with everything i have. For about a day anf half i thought it was going good.  She unblocked me, told me she told the other dude to fuck off, and she actually said she loved me.  So i rushed back to be with her.  But as soon as i got back to san diego, thats when her coldness returned.  So now im back, living in this shit hole. Having to beg for food, that i have to spend cash on (when i have money that i funds for groceries), just the worst of conditions.  I would be better off on the street for real.  

All because i had some foolish hope that things would be different this time.  Yet here i am, cold and alone. Almost broke and no way out.  I know i deserve better, so why must i keep getting shit on by people who i love and trust? Wheres my reciprocity?