Its got to be karma

Im sitting here, really in love with someone, and it seems like all i want is what megan wanted from me all those years that I couldn't give.  I just want her to want me. Physically, emotionally...spiritually?  I wish I could just take my mentality from now and give it to me back when we had each other.  We wouldve been so happy.

I dont even know what the point is of writing here though.  With how things were the last time we talked, ive been scared you did what I havnt had the balls to do yet and just offed yourself.  And then if you did, do you and our babies visit me? I hope so. I hope you see me now and realize I get it. I really get it. I just wish I had gotten it when it would have made a difference. Because we were meant to be.

Everything and nothing

 The seeds of love planted,

But unnourished we can't grow,
So while I could be yours forever,
You'd forever leave me alone.

Still when I close my eyes,
I see your smile,
Reminding me of home.

For that I'll give my everything—

For our garden to grow.

The shitshow

 When I came, 

I came with love, 

You disrespected.

What i brang, 

Wasn't enough, 

Your heart was restless.

Now things changed,

Cuz you switched up, 

And all im left with,

Is this pain 

Bitch you fucked up,

So im glad you hate it.

Run that back, 

While You stay stuck on some buuull shit,

Ill be back,

Terminatin imma kiill shit,

On your ass,

Imma leave you in a haze for days

delete yourself, 

The worldll be a better place.

Verse 2, tell me

How do I continue?

When I love to see you smile,

But hate every second with you.

Cuz youre here,

But I still miss you,

I still care, 

But thats the issue,

Bitch you fucked up

On the realest nigga

Even Jesus couldn't forgive u.

How the universe conspires against me

So, I ended up eating not long after my last post. I was led to believe things were about to get better, but of course I was just being strung along. Whether intentional by her or not. And regardless of whether she actually wants/wanted to spend time with me, our work schedules (I got a job) are conflicting so it isn't gonna happen.

But im done. Been done. Don't really give a fuck.

Suicide by helium <3 its really simple and painless. So with the money from my job ill be able to get a large enough tank and a room for a couple nights to do what I've wanted to do for a long time. Ill finally be able to hold our babies M

Been a long ass time

 I'm a little ashamed that I look back and see how I turned this page into something besides what I initially intended. But I guess it's just become a place i come to write when im hurting.  Hence why im here now.  Not that I haven't hurt since I've last written, but for I time I was disconnected from the internet.  And by the time I did have access again, I was so done with everything that I had to shut myself off emotionally. Which was great.  Hardly left my spot. Hardly talked to anyone. Dead to the world.

Eventually though, I had to make my way back to having some semblance of a life.  The usual:needed a job.  No one really hiring where I would be able to work, so I started volunteering at the salvation army. Practically full time. It kept me busy, and I was still maintaining my emotional state, or lack thereof as it were.  Anyway, even after everything I've been thru, I never shook the part of me that likes to be a flirt, and I managed to garner the affections of the woman who was my boss.

I didnt mean to, because In my heart, I gave up on having anything special with anyone.  But after she quit where I was volunteering, I started helping her out at her new job, spending more and more time with her. Anyway, between that and where im going with this, I fucked up and caught feelings. Didn't even realize it til recently when things started going bad between us.  Over dumb shit too.  Bottom line though is im feeling it, and it reminds me of M.  It reminds me that I am way too fucked emotionally for any kind relationship.  But she broke that barrier down and here I am: throwing my words into this void, wondering if anyone will ever read this. Even i dont go back and read the stuff. It's just thoughts to words at this point, trying to get some kind of release.

Chances are good I'll find myself back here again.  Maybe not soon, but eventually.  Still wonder If youre out there though babygirl, I haven't forgotten about you.  I still dream about you sometimes, and im sorry for the pain we caused each other.  

 I smoke with the gods 

Dance with the d3vils

Pray for death on the daily

But the heavens forsake me

So I hate life til they take me

Savage what they made me

Still the world wants to break me

Meanwhile I'm the bad guy

Cuz I ain't allowed to die with dignity

Just a burdensome piece of shit

Not worth the air I breathe

Looking forward to the day 

I rest under 6 feet to see R I Ps

Fuck my life

Fuck my dreams

Loved I'll never be

Destined for nothing 

And you wonder why I won't listen

To your fronting ass bullshit

Like I never had sumthin

Just as good as you was

Jive turkey talking 

And I hope you choke to death 

On all the dick you be goblin 

Suicide by starvation?

 I'm surely dying, and glad of it.  Seven days without any food and but a couple sips of water in the first 48 hours.  I am letting myself have energy drinks, but other than that I'm not ingesting anything.  

I hope so bad my body shuts down and this is all over before someone has medics drag me to the hospital and force sustenance into me. But in the meantime, as I lay here with nothing better to do but wonder how my life has turned out this way: I wish so hard I could just go home, to that dingy, cold patio we spent so much time together in, and you be there in your p.js waiting for me. 

I can close my eyes and see it. You're mad because you've been missing me and waiting for me. You ask me "where have you been?"...

All I can say is "I'm sorry" as I walk up to u and wrap my arms around you

That's when I start sobbing though. Because it's all just a delusion in my head.  With tears streaming down my face I open my eyes and I'm in this rancid garage attached to another house not far from the place I somehow still consider home.  

I wish we could've been allowed to just love each other Meg, and I'm sorry for everything.  I just want to hold you again so bad my love.