Its over

 Well, i wish I could say it was good while it lasted, but it was only good until she decided her boyfriends were more important than me.  It was all downhill from there.  It was karma tho, or maybe just my guilt from what I'd done to my babygirl so many years ago, and how she did me in the end.  

Either way,: my heart hurts, my soul is tired, and i wish I had the strength to just cut my wrist open so I could leave this plane of existence.  Because unless I can get my hands on a few thousand mgs of serequel again, I dont think the pill route is going to work. I tried with over 100 mgs of oxy and 2 12oz beers. Im pretty sure that should've worked.  

But again, maybe its karma. Maybe I didn't die because im meant to suffer on.  Or maybe God actually has some kind of plan for me. Maybe im supposed to be someone's rock, or still do something special with my life that can amount to something. Or maybe I just have shit luck. I dont know.

What I do know is im sorry for not giving you the love you deserved megan.  I know you wanted more than that from me, because I have more to offer. But my love was all you really needed, and I couldn't give that to you because I was shitty.  20 years later and I know exactly how you felt when you would tell me I was hurting you and I didnt care. Because thats what this woman did to me.  Now more than ever I wish I could go back and right my wrongs with you.  Another chance to love you like you wanted, because the kind of love you had for me is what I want now, and its what I needed, I was just too full of myself to realize it.

So to you meg, and pamela: im truly sorry

Its got to be karma

Im sitting here, really in love with someone, and it seems like all i want is what megan wanted from me all those years that I couldn't give.  I just want her to want me. Physically, emotionally...spiritually?  I wish I could just take my mentality from now and give it to me back when we had each other.  We wouldve been so happy.

I dont even know what the point is of writing here though.  With how things were the last time we talked, ive been scared you did what I havnt had the balls to do yet and just offed yourself.  And then if you did, do you and our babies visit me? I hope so. I hope you see me now and realize I get it. I really get it. I just wish I had gotten it when it would have made a difference. Because we were meant to be.

Everything and nothing

 The seeds of love planted,

But unnourished we can't grow,
So while I could be yours forever,
You'd forever leave me alone.

Still when I close my eyes,
I see your smile,
Reminding me of home.

For that I'll give my everything—

For our garden to grow.

The shitshow

 When I came, 

I came with love, 

You disrespected.

What i brang, 

Wasn't enough, 

Your heart was restless.

Now things changed,

Cuz you switched up, 

And all im left with,

Is this pain 

Bitch you fucked up,

So im glad you hate it.

Run that back, 

While You stay stuck on some buuull shit,

Ill be back,

Terminatin imma kiill shit,

On your ass,

Imma leave you in a haze for days

delete yourself, 

The worldll be a better place.

Verse 2, tell me

How do I continue?

When I love to see you smile,

But hate every second with you.

Cuz youre here,

But I still miss you,

I still care, 

But thats the issue,

Bitch you fucked up

On the realest nigga

Even Jesus couldn't forgive u.

How the universe conspires against me

So, I ended up eating not long after my last post. I was led to believe things were about to get better, but of course I was just being strung along. Whether intentional by her or not. And regardless of whether she actually wants/wanted to spend time with me, our work schedules (I got a job) are conflicting so it isn't gonna happen.

But im done. Been done. Don't really give a fuck.

Suicide by helium <3 its really simple and painless. So with the money from my job ill be able to get a large enough tank and a room for a couple nights to do what I've wanted to do for a long time. Ill finally be able to hold our babies M

Been a long ass time

 I'm a little ashamed that I look back and see how I turned this page into something besides what I initially intended. But I guess it's just become a place i come to write when im hurting.  Hence why im here now.  Not that I haven't hurt since I've last written, but for I time I was disconnected from the internet.  And by the time I did have access again, I was so done with everything that I had to shut myself off emotionally. Which was great.  Hardly left my spot. Hardly talked to anyone. Dead to the world.

Eventually though, I had to make my way back to having some semblance of a life.  The usual:needed a job.  No one really hiring where I would be able to work, so I started volunteering at the salvation army. Practically full time. It kept me busy, and I was still maintaining my emotional state, or lack thereof as it were.  Anyway, even after everything I've been thru, I never shook the part of me that likes to be a flirt, and I managed to garner the affections of the woman who was my boss.

I didnt mean to, because In my heart, I gave up on having anything special with anyone.  But after she quit where I was volunteering, I started helping her out at her new job, spending more and more time with her. Anyway, between that and where im going with this, I fucked up and caught feelings. Didn't even realize it til recently when things started going bad between us.  Over dumb shit too.  Bottom line though is im feeling it, and it reminds me of M.  It reminds me that I am way too fucked emotionally for any kind relationship.  But she broke that barrier down and here I am: throwing my words into this void, wondering if anyone will ever read this. Even i dont go back and read the stuff. It's just thoughts to words at this point, trying to get some kind of release.

Chances are good I'll find myself back here again.  Maybe not soon, but eventually.  Still wonder If youre out there though babygirl, I haven't forgotten about you.  I still dream about you sometimes, and im sorry for the pain we caused each other.  

 I smoke with the gods 

Dance with the d3vils

Pray for death on the daily

But the heavens forsake me

So I hate life til they take me

Savage what they made me

Still the world wants to break me

Meanwhile I'm the bad guy

Cuz I ain't allowed to die with dignity

Just a burdensome piece of shit

Not worth the air I breathe

Looking forward to the day 

I rest under 6 feet to see R I Ps

Fuck my life

Fuck my dreams

Loved I'll never be

Destined for nothing 

And you wonder why I won't listen

To your fronting ass bullshit

Like I never had sumthin

Just as good as you was

Jive turkey talking 

And I hope you choke to death 

On all the dick you be goblin 

Suicide by starvation?

 I'm surely dying, and glad of it.  Seven days without any food and but a couple sips of water in the first 48 hours.  I am letting myself have energy drinks, but other than that I'm not ingesting anything.  

I hope so bad my body shuts down and this is all over before someone has medics drag me to the hospital and force sustenance into me. But in the meantime, as I lay here with nothing better to do but wonder how my life has turned out this way: I wish so hard I could just go home, to that dingy, cold patio we spent so much time together in, and you be there in your p.js waiting for me. 

I can close my eyes and see it. You're mad because you've been missing me and waiting for me. You ask me "where have you been?"...

All I can say is "I'm sorry" as I walk up to u and wrap my arms around you

That's when I start sobbing though. Because it's all just a delusion in my head.  With tears streaming down my face I open my eyes and I'm in this rancid garage attached to another house not far from the place I somehow still consider home.  

I wish we could've been allowed to just love each other Meg, and I'm sorry for everything.  I just want to hold you again so bad my love.  

Every day is hell

 This is so hard for me.  Its bad enough having to be going through what i have been with this last chick.  But on top of that my moms being her usual cuntish self treating me like shit for no real reason, and in the process decided to remind me of M.

M was the reason i started this blog.  We were young (in our 20s) and stupid in love with eachother.  But we were young, and both sucked at communicating. Whether it was with ourselves or to one another.

One of the biggest things i wish i could go back and say to her is how much i needed to actually feel loved by her.  Especially when we slept together.  Sometimes when we were able to take a mid day nap, it was great.  We actually held eachother, and slept *together*.  But when it was actually time for us to go to bed, i was always pushed away. Literally and figuratively. Cuz even once i got in some kinda position that didnt disturb her, she would still complain "your nose is whistling" or something else where alot of times, i ended up having to sleep with my back to her. And i hated it.

I loved her, and i wanted to be close when we were in bed.  I wish i couldve said so when it was going on. Cuz maybe she wouldve understood why i didnt come to bed alot of times. Staying up playimg video games until i just couldnt stay awake longer. But i didnt realize it at the time. I just reacted to the hurt, which hurt her more, then i felt guilty...it was just a vicious cycle.

But i wish i could tell her all this shit.  Cuz i know we're both still wounded from all the stuff we went thru when we were together, nevermind everything that we did to eachother after.  I miss her dearly tho, and if you ever read this baby girl: i still love you. I still cry over you. And i miss you.

Love Alone

 I love you with my every breath,

I give until there's nothing left,

My soul is yours, my smile too,

But right now im lost,

Since i'm without you.

So take my dreams,

While i shed these tears,

Loves eternal flame still burns brightly,

As it has and will,

For countless years,

And though i can feel you,

When my eyes i close,

Next to me,

Is where i need you most.

I hate who im becoming

I guess its pretty obvious that this pain is turning into an outward anger.  But how many times am i going to give my heart, and try so hard, only to be treated like nothing more than an emotional punching bag so someone else can feel better?  I did everything right. I loved with everything i have. For about a day anf half i thought it was going good.  She unblocked me, told me she told the other dude to fuck off, and she actually said she loved me.  So i rushed back to be with her.  But as soon as i got back to san diego, thats when her coldness returned.  So now im back, living in this shit hole. Having to beg for food, that i have to spend cash on (when i have money that i funds for groceries), just the worst of conditions.  I would be better off on the street for real.  

All because i had some foolish hope that things would be different this time.  Yet here i am, cold and alone. Almost broke and no way out.  I know i deserve better, so why must i keep getting shit on by people who i love and trust? Wheres my reciprocity? 

Never again

i gave a fuck

Once or twice

But aint nuthin 

thats nice left

Im prayin every day that

My next one be my last breath

I crave death

Like a cigarette

After you had sex

Cuz lifes been fucking me

In the ass 

With a fat cactus

So dont get the shit twisted 

I been living with this madness

Since day 1

My mama knew 

id grew up to be the badest

Im outlandish

And sporadical

Highly unpredictable

I might slit yo fuckin neck

Then stick my dick in it

Thats how i get busy fool

So go on head

do whatchu do

Just clear the way

When im comin thru

Bust 16 shots 

Aimin straight at you

Your momma 

And your cousin too

Im unnstoppable

Even if im on wax

Remainin uncoppable

Reload it cock it 

Call it what u want

I bust shots

Like an alcoholic

Gone

Im a bit disappointed in myself and the fact that i wasnt able to start posting here regularly. When i was making my last post, that was something i felt i should do.  Not just for myself, but so someday i might share my story with others.  

Unfortunately, i dont really care anymore.  Last night i asked my love, the one who repeatedly treated me like shit for loving her: if she had the rona, would she let me go help take care of her?  In other words, if she were on what might could be her deathbed, if she would finally just let me love her.  And her answer was still no.  

I dont understand why the universe would do this to me.  Allow me to see her and i' painful end over a decade before i even knew who she was, only to let me fall in love with her and go through all this.   I love(d?) her with everything i had.  Supported her as much as i could. All to be left worse than heart broken. 

It really doesnt hurt anymore.  Its just an emptiness where my heart used to be.  Maybe i just didnt have enough love left to start with.   Whatever it was, i know im done being the caring person i have been in the past.  My love is gone, and ill probably never let anyone anywhere near close enough to give it back.

Near Instant regret

Well, i followed thru with my plan. I woke up friday, got dressed, made my way to a rooftop downtown, and said my goodbyes.  But when i stepped to the edge, i couldn't jump.  As badly as i wanted to, i couldnt help but think of how bad it would hurt, even if only for a moment.  So i came down.

I couldnt go back though. There really is nothing good for me in san diego, and i had to escape.  Mexico was no longer an option, because i knew i wouldnt be able to stop thinking about Ali.  Taking that into consideration, i did the only thing i could think of: went to the airport and booked a seat on the next flight out of california.  My destination: denver colorado.  There was an hour between my buying the ticket and boarding time, which in and of itself is pretty insignificant, though i would like to remember the young couple who shared the booze they couldnt finish before their boarding started.

It was my first time flying as an adult. The last time being when i was about 11.  Pretty uneventful, though the takeoff was fun. Sadly i wasnt able to score a window seat. 

 Getting off the plane was a bit much.  Going from a very compact space into the huge terminal at denver international was for sure a sensory shock.  Not to mention the fact that, besides the fact i knew i had to leave the airport and somehow make my way into the city, i was clueless as to where to go next.  Eventually, i did make it outside, and thats when the regret of not having just jumped off that rooftop hit me harder than the fall would have.  It wasnt any kind of epiphany or anything so spectacular, but the simple fact that its winter. In denver.  And i was not dressed properly.  A single layer and a light cotton sweatshirt vs. freezing temperatures is not a battle easily won. Still, i pressed on.

Following the signs i found my way to the area where the shuttles and busses were.  Alongside these were a train, which i found out was headed for downtown, and i promptly hopped on.  After a ride that felt like alot longer than it probably was, i got off at union station and began my search for a place to stay the night.  This search was made all the more difficult due to the fact that my phone was dead.  No ones ever mentioned the fact the airplanes apparently dont have usb ports to charge devices. Something even greyhound buses have been able to apply to their fleet of buses.

Anyway, this is where the universe decided to start fucking with me again.  Though it was still a little while before the connection would be made;i was walking through what i know now to be the downtown denver mall, shortly after closing, looking for a hotel.  Smoking a cigarette, i was naturally approached by someone hard up for a nicotine fix.  This time it was an older gentleman, apparently intoxicated. This made so by his overt friendliness. Not to mention the fact he gave zero fucks about wearing a mask or shaking my hand.  In his outgoing disposition, i was able to get a small glimpse into the mans life.  I wish i had taken the time to write this down earlier, as i dont remember his name, but he was an lakotan(i think) indian warrior from south dakota.  As well as a devil dog, with 29 confirmed kills.  Sadly, he was seemingly as lost as i was and also asked for direction, which i wasnt able to give due to my phone being dead.  

After a bit more walking, i finally ran into one of my people who kinda told me how to get to the part of the hood with the "cheap" hotels.  I put cheap in qoutations because $70 is *not* cheap.  Less expensive than the places downtown ($129 for one night, and im guessing a $50-100 deposit), but not cheap.  Once i made it to said part of town is the other half of that connection i was talking about.

There were plenty of hotels up and down the avenue. A few had lights on in the offices, but where i ended up: a hotel called the awahnee.  My spelling is probably incorrect, but an indian named hotel.  Im loath to say it was indian themed because besides the name and a bust of an indian head in the office, it was just a basic old motel.  Still, it was a sign.  How on the first steps of what i hope is a new chapter in my life i shared a moment with an old indian guy, then end up in an indian named hotel..? Maybe the sign was blank. Like it wasnt meant to say or tell me anything. Just a coincidence.  

Or, maybe its meant to tell me something.  What that something is, im not sure yet.  Maybe i should set my sights to living with native/real americans.  Maybe i should go pursure a degree in shamanology and follow in the footsteps of terrance mckenna.  I dont know. At least not yet.  

 

When is enough enough?

 I think tomorrow ill do it.  Just take a cab downtown, get on a roof, maybe say goodbye one last time to Ali, and jump. I know ill be scared, but this heartache isnt gonna go away, and if i can make ali be honest with me about why she hates the even the idea of being with me: im sure it will give me all the motivation i need to finally put an end to it.

A love letter that i may never send

 Ali, 

I wish you could understand how much i love you.  If you did you would know that no matter how much you try to hurt me or push me away, it wont go away.  Even though you tell me repeatedly you dont feel the same, i cant let it go.  I know i should, and life might be a little easier for me if i did, but my heart wont let it happen.  Even as worthless as i end up feeling because of it, i cant.  So yeah, i do want you to love me the same.  Nothing would make me happier.  I dont even know what im trying to say here, in this letter i probably wont ever show you.  Theres just so much inside me that youre the cause of which i need to confess.  You told me you werent ready for a serious relationship, and then you told me youd never give me a chance to love you (remembering that last bit destroys me), but my hearts already commited myself to you, plus a future with you is the only future i care to see.  I love you with every fiber of my being ali, and i always will.

Such a sorrowful existence

 Well, i made it through most of the day alright, mainly because i had people (sort of) around.  I knew once the games got turned off though, it would be right back to this. The reality of it all.  What else is there to say about how fucked i am? For now all i can do is whimper myself to sleep and hope i dont wake up.  Lucky for me heartbreak is real and it can kill you.

Sorry M

 I have to admit: i feel kinda bad for fucking up what this blog/page was, by turning it into what its been (just a place where i write whatever).  Maybe i shouldnt care, since i really dont think m would bother with coming back to this page, even if she did care to remember this blogs address.  Still, for some reason, i feel bad. 

How many days?

I sincerely wish i would simply die.  Its pretty obvious how worthless i am.  Even the universe takes me for a joke.  To finally find someone ive waited half my life for, only to have my love shunned.  As if my life werent fucked up enough.  Today was just icing on the cake though.  While adorable in a way, i had to deal with a kid encouraging me as if i were a fucking retard.  And for what? The reminder that damn near every employer drug tests and will deny employment for having weed in your system.  Damn near every other drug:understandable.  But weed?? 

Im digressing though, which isnt such a bad thing considering whats really weighing on my soul.  Which is the fact that i do not want to live another day.  Theres no point and i dont belong here.  I know what i have to do, i just hope i can follow thru.  Maybe if i close my eyes it will be easier.  A couple drinks probably would help as well.  It really is fucked that i was resuscitated 2 years ago.  I was at peace and actually able to take my life without harming anyone else. Now i have to worry about someone random getting hurt, probably trying to stop me.  Fuck it i guess.  I should really just start showing the world the same consideration its shown me.  

I cant let those be my last words

 The last post i sent to her, and made her block me.  Been crying about ever since.  So im using another account to message her and at least tell her im sorry, That im an idiot, and i dont know what else. But im writing it here to copy and paste again...

You probably dont want to hear it, but i am sorry.  It took me a day or so, but i realize now i probably overreacted a bit. Maybe its because i have the emotional maturity of a child,  or maybe the fact that im scared of my love for you.  Whatever the reason, i regret making you block me.  

I dont know what else to say.  Im not even sure how you really feel about me.  I like to think that deep down you do kinda feel the same as i do, but for whatever reason/s, youre scared too.

If you've read this far, thank you: because its more than i deserve.  If these are my last words i speak to you: maybe i am crazy, but my love for you is real, and my heart literally aches for you.

Forever yours,

Gringosito