I hate who im becoming

I guess its pretty obvious that this pain is turning into an outward anger.  But how many times am i going to give my heart, and try so hard, only to be treated like nothing more than an emotional punching bag so someone else can feel better?  I did everything right. I loved with everything i have. For about a day anf half i thought it was going good.  She unblocked me, told me she told the other dude to fuck off, and she actually said she loved me.  So i rushed back to be with her.  But as soon as i got back to san diego, thats when her coldness returned.  So now im back, living in this shit hole. Having to beg for food, that i have to spend cash on (when i have money that i funds for groceries), just the worst of conditions.  I would be better off on the street for real.  

All because i had some foolish hope that things would be different this time.  Yet here i am, cold and alone. Almost broke and no way out.  I know i deserve better, so why must i keep getting shit on by people who i love and trust? Wheres my reciprocity?