This is so hard for me. Its bad enough having to be going through what i have been with this last chick. But on top of that my moms being her usual cuntish self treating me like shit for no real reason, and in the process decided to remind me of M.
M was the reason i started this blog. We were young (in our 20s) and stupid in love with eachother. But we were young, and both sucked at communicating. Whether it was with ourselves or to one another.
One of the biggest things i wish i could go back and say to her is how much i needed to actually feel loved by her. Especially when we slept together. Sometimes when we were able to take a mid day nap, it was great. We actually held eachother, and slept *together*. But when it was actually time for us to go to bed, i was always pushed away. Literally and figuratively. Cuz even once i got in some kinda position that didnt disturb her, she would still complain "your nose is whistling" or something else where alot of times, i ended up having to sleep with my back to her. And i hated it.
I loved her, and i wanted to be close when we were in bed. I wish i couldve said so when it was going on. Cuz maybe she wouldve understood why i didnt come to bed alot of times. Staying up playimg video games until i just couldnt stay awake longer. But i didnt realize it at the time. I just reacted to the hurt, which hurt her more, then i felt guilty...it was just a vicious cycle.
But i wish i could tell her all this shit. Cuz i know we're both still wounded from all the stuff we went thru when we were together, nevermind everything that we did to eachother after. I miss her dearly tho, and if you ever read this baby girl: i still love you. I still cry over you. And i miss you.
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