Gone

Im a bit disappointed in myself and the fact that i wasnt able to start posting here regularly. When i was making my last post, that was something i felt i should do.  Not just for myself, but so someday i might share my story with others.  

Unfortunately, i dont really care anymore.  Last night i asked my love, the one who repeatedly treated me like shit for loving her: if she had the rona, would she let me go help take care of her?  In other words, if she were on what might could be her deathbed, if she would finally just let me love her.  And her answer was still no.  

I dont understand why the universe would do this to me.  Allow me to see her and i' painful end over a decade before i even knew who she was, only to let me fall in love with her and go through all this.   I love(d?) her with everything i had.  Supported her as much as i could. All to be left worse than heart broken. 

It really doesnt hurt anymore.  Its just an emptiness where my heart used to be.  Maybe i just didnt have enough love left to start with.   Whatever it was, i know im done being the caring person i have been in the past.  My love is gone, and ill probably never let anyone anywhere near close enough to give it back.