Carrying Me

I carry on
Not for myself
But for the hope
Of someone else

That someone who
I'll never know
But through this faith
With love will grow

So when they're here
I shall be gone
Though my spirit
Will carry on

Escape

I try to leave
But am locked in
My story ends
For yours to begin
Thus my loss
Becomes a win
I just hope
You learn from my sin

Honest

My eyelids heavy
As is my heart
Hating the time
We spend apart

Just one day
Seems like forever
My promise is
To love you better

But to keep this promise
I'll need your help
I cannot be in love
By myself

Fighting

Contemplating my sins
Debating with demons
That i hold within
Knowing i cannot win
But the battle continues
Much to my chagrin
It is all that i can do
To keep this love alive
Thus this is just prattle

Love

A brightness that warms me
And lifts me from here
To feel it is ecstasy
Feelings it cannot share

No matter the cost
I must find it again
Though it may be lost
I shall make amends

When that time comes
Not too far away
Shall my efforts be for not
On so blessed a day

Rediscovering the Undiscovered

One day my soul shall awaken
To see the love this life has taken
And a man that's been forsaken
No matter what he may partake in

Destiny chosen once long ago
By unseen forces we may never know
Where we have been is where we go
Back from the forth yet to from the fro

So when we get to where we once began
Making the same mistakes again
Retracing steps through an undiscovered land
Until we make a final stand

When that day comes
Objected by none
Shall there be justice
Or shall we be shunned

Seemingly

I've given my all
And then some more
Still i wonder
What its for

There's not much left
Of what was me
Living this life
Without belief

I struggle on
Day by day
An endless game
That i must play

So if i should get
To level nine
Know that the princess
Will be mine

My Journey

I shall not forget
My love for you
And thus not bid
This pain adieu
Where most would stop
I continue
On this road alone
I wil be your fool

Here i sit...

Here i sit
Broken hearted
Writing prose
For love departed

It left me here
Unto myself
Draining my soul
Of all its health

But here i sit
Here i will stay
Even though my love
Has gone away

I'll still be waiting
Here for she
Decided love
Just couldn't be

Reminiscing

There is just so much
That I miss,
Us holding hands
Our arguments,
Every time
We would kiss,
Was nothing less
Than passionate,
So one regret
I must admit,
My loving you
Has come to this

Something

I close my eyes
And see you smiling
Lay my head on the pillow
Another days gone by me
When the next one comes
With the suns rising
You'll be gone
I hope you're still smiling

Holding On

Holding on
To nothing
As i fall through this life
Missing what was never there
Keeps me awake at night
Try as i might
Can't right these wrongs
As i persist to fall along
I'll get drunk
And sing you songs
Until i find
Where i belong
I'll continue
To hold on

Not

Not a day goes by
That not a word is spoke
Not a thought am i
Not even a hope
So forget me not
Because she loves me
But because she loved me
Not

My Love

And so my love
Has left me here
Nothing to gain
Nothing to fear
Just my pain
Which i must bear
Everyday
Of every year

But as the 16th approaches
Memories abound
Heart shaped pizzas
Days so far gone now
With candles lit
And Mr bubbles
Only for my love
Would my mind be troubled

A Harsh Reality

Nothing much left
Physically weak
My body decays
As this disease eats
Laying in pain
I don't want to speak
I'll see the doctor
Thursday next week

That is if i make it
For seven more days
It might hurt alot
But i'm not afraid
Because it's no secret
For death i have prayed
You once gave me hope
But to rest
It's been laid

Another

Another disappointment
Another let down in my life
I loved that woman
With all my heart
She said she'd be my wife
She gave me hope
For one last chance
Then disappeared
Into the night

I guess she never really knew me
Never knowing how much i care
Would she ever consider how i feel?
How deeply i am in despair?
My heart i wore on my sleeve
Of the shirt i gave for her to wear
Too bad she never tried it on
For love she was unprepared.

Why?

Why do i keep going?
Why do i even fucking care?
Why do i cry when i think of her?
Why is life so unfair?

Why must life be like this?
Why am i living at all?
Why didn't i fly through that windshield?
Why did i get up from that fall?

Why did my heart stop?
Why did it start again?
Why did i wake up today?
Why won't the pain just end?

Why so many questions?
Why no answer to my calls?
Why am i alone in this?
Why should you be so appalled?

Because
My love
You are the answer
That wont answer me at all

Just a prayer

Lord help me
For what i have left to do
Will take much strength
That i don't have
So i put my faith in you

Me feet are weak
The journey long
And filled with so much strife
I've been through much
Yet much more to come
Will i make it to the light?

I close my eyes
Follow your voice
And know i'll make it through
But when i get there
To the other side
I just hope your words are true

He

He sits at his computer,
Tears streaming from his face,
A broken man,
Typing his heart out,
Into an empty place.

The cards this life has dealt him,
All jokers it does seem,
With the deck stacked high against him,
This man continues losing.

Yet he keeps on playing,
All he needs is one good hand,
To help him get out from this rut,
If he can't than he'll be damned.

So he sits at his computer,
This man who's all alone,
Writing poems to his lovely wife,
Wishing that he were home.

Neglect

Again i sat alone in silence
Waiting for her touch
She left me here
With words i dreaded
I told her i feared as much

Still they were said
And i was left
For hours to reflect
Now it seems
That i'm at fault
For pain she did inflict
A pain as deep as my love goes-
My love-
Did you forget?

I'm human too
I feel these words
Just as much as you
Tears you can bring
From simple things
But i'll still be your boo

Not even funny...

For the ump-teenth time i just read the last thing you posted. And up until this last time i thought you were working a 12 today. But this last time i read it correctly. It's been all day, you have said nothing at all. Are you fucking with me? Is this all some cruel fucking joke? I know i dont deserve the love you have given me. This was never about forgivness, just like it was never about wooing you. I just wanted you to understand why i love you and why i did what i did...But not this...If you're going to hate me than hate me. If you love someone else or cannot love me again then tell me to my face.

I know as a man i need to do things right. And i would. But without you it's not not worth it. And I CANNOT play games. I don't mean to say that it's with or with-out you. I've explained all of this. But don't lead me on...please. Tell me the truth. Don't give me any false hope or reason. I have already said my goodbyes to those that i love and who love me, including you.

I tell you that i am trying. And i mean it. If you really truly have no faith in any of this, just come here when i am. give me the ring, tell me, and walk away. At least then i will know that there was nothing worth fighting for. That giving up isn't so bad. In any case: i will say it again and again and again: my love is yours forever, because forever you are my love. All of this sounds crazy even to me, But it's your crazy.

I will continue

I dont know what to think
I dont know what to say
I cant believe its happening
I quit this fucking game

I continue to write
Continue to believe
Like my love it continues
For all eternity

So she keeps on listening
To every scramble of the dice
Not knowing i've quit rolling
I've Given up on this life

My strife
Hasn't been worth it
So quite apparently
My wife
wont see my love
Or how i do it
Husbandry
So Humble-lee
For her it is
May never be
Though i continue
With my love
For her
She may not
Ever see

Love Again

Back together
And yet still apart
Picking up the pieces
Of each others hearts

I'll keep on looking
For what i must find
Hoping when i do
You'll be by my side

I don't know when
Or even how
But i'll need you then
Even more than now

I'll need your hugs
I'll need your kisses
Because i do know
What i've been missin

To hold you tight
And keep you close
This time it's different
I won't let go

O yeah.

The job search is going shitty. And i'm going to have to drop one of the 2 classes i'm taking because i cant even afford the books right now.I applied and should get the financial aid. But thats not until October. I already had planned to take 3 8 week classes from October to December, now im just going to take 4. Well, im going to start cleaning my room. Thoroughly. So I wont be on here for a bit. You have my number (but i know you wont call). Love you babe. ttyl

Well,

fml stands for "fuck my life"...And i wasn't speaking of someone in my family stumbling upon this.
I was speaking of people who know how to use the net and computers. I only found this site when i googled something and a couple of peoples blogs popped up.

These poems are not and were never meant to woo you. They are just an outlet for my love,pain, and anguish. I wanted you to know how i felt. I never even considered you calling,seeing, or talking to me ever again.The look in your eyes that day told me as much.But i am glad you like them. Even if some of them are confusing.

But i know how you are when you get stressed.I'm so so so sorry i've done this to you. To us.
I don't know what to say. I love you.

As for what i've said to David and Sadied or anyone else for that matter. I really couldn't say much.Not in words anyway. In Davids case, he's struggling enough as it is.He knew for a minute how sad and fucked up i was. And he knew what it was about. After all he is my brother. But if i tried to sit down and have a conversation with anyone about any of this i would break down.
At one point i was so fucked up over this i walked into the damn corner market over here and the lady behind the counter took a glance at me and immediately asked if i was okay. I'm still not. But, for the time being i will pretend.

Again babe, please don't worry about me or any of this. This is for me to worry about. The one thing i never want to do is hurt you,ever again. I wish i could take back all the hurt i've created for us. That letter and these poems were never intended or expected to somehow bring you back to me. I know i just wrote this a minute ago,but: I love you. If there ever is to be an "us" again, I don't want to give it what i always have. Because then i'll just get what i've always got. I want to give it something different, something better. So stop being so stressed. Stop thinking so much.
Just know that i love you.Know that i miss you. I know where you stand on all of this. I know you love me, and i know you miss me too. So there's nothing really to think about. Either i'm going to fail or succeed in my attempt to do this right. I know the consequences of both. If i fail, then i don't deserve you, regardless of how much i love you. If i succeed, i probably still don't deserve you. But then that's where it's going to be up to you, that's when you are going to have to think about things. Not now, not yet.

In closing: On the P.S. part...Well,she's taken care of. I can say that for sure. Judy and Jimmy and Joyce would have nothing else.Because how else would they supplement their incomes.
As for me, you know how much i love my grandmother. And when she does leave this world i will be very fucking sad.But at the same time, I will be happy for her. She has told me numerous times how she has prayed and prayed then prayed some more for God to just take her. And i don't blame her. I mean, she has been without her beloved for twenty-seven years. Put yourself in her shoes for a second (but like i said, don't think too much). Imagine if we spent 40+ years together,then one of us passed.Then being stuck here without the other for as long as she has been? Not cool. Soooo not cool. Like i said, i will be very sad from missing her. Man, i remember being a little kid, playing kings corners or Gin Rummy with her in the living room. Or even before that, when i was like 4. She would be at bingo until 12-2 in the morning. I would stay awake and wait for her to get home. When i was a little kid, my grandma was my best friend. I just realized i never told you any of this. But at the same time I had forgotten. fml.

I love you Megan, thank you for reminding me,seriously.

The Struggle

I must fight
To stay on my feet
So many blows
This worlds dealt me
No matter what
I shall stand
And take this pain
Like a man

Though i will not win
I cannot lose
Because when i come home
I'll come to you
I'll squeeze you tight
With kisses too
Then i'll let loose
the good news

I lost the fight,
You won the war
Because all along
My love is yours

Oh my love:

I'm sorry you are having a bad day. I really am. But i'm not sure what you meant when you wrote you "want to give up and quit you are not successful".Did you mean you want to quit but can't? Or that you feel like you're not successful? I don't know what to say about the first one.
What i can tell you is that you are successful. I know it may not seem like it with how much your mom pilfers your purse; but i don't know anyone who has accomplished as much as you have at our age. I know it's hell with your mom. Above the fact that my room is a hellish mess, If i thought i deserved it at all i would ask you to come back and stay with me.



I'm pretty sure we were still seeing each other (i was going to put "together" in lieu of "seeing each other", but you never really left me) when i was trying to get a restraining order on jimmy. With the optimal goal of getting him out of the house. Well mainly judy, but no one in the family would have my back in the matter. Before we went to court, after i got the temporary, He was gone, shit was getting better. Then it got shot down, he came back, his check got cut down to $700 and he started getting his money same place i have been (grandma). Only difference is he isn't getting 10 here, 20 there. 2-4 days after he gets his check, he goes in and cleans out her wallet for her, which is at least 1 g . A week after that he'll get get a check from her for a few hundred, and so on every week until the 1st comes around and the cycle starts again. Even then nobody kicked jimmy out. Instead Joyce and Judy went with grandma to the bank, closed her savings, and opened an account in their name with all the money. So now you know what i meant about how sad yet un-surprising things here have become.

But don't be lonely. I'm always here for you. And my family has known for a long long time how i feel about you. They knew even more when i put a ring on your finger. lol, david hasn't even put a ring on sadied. As for what i've said...Just regrets, about how i've fucked up. That night before i read you're first post, i told my mom how much it hurt that you hated me and wouldn't even talk 2 me.Really though, what else could i have said? But no one knows about this. No one knows about all the poems. I put the intro thing at the top just in case somebody should stumble upon it and wonder "what the fuck?". If and when we work this out though i hope i can still write you a poem everyday.I know i will try, but i also know i only write anything good when i'm really sad.
I've got a ton of raps and poems all of this gd house you've never seen. Most of them suck though. I've looked at them and know if i sat there with them i could take pieces from each one and put them together to make a few really good ones, just never have.

I've been meaning to address the part you wrote about us not being able to conceive, didn't know where exactly to put it in all this, figure this is just a good a place as any i guess. So again: if and when we work this out...better yet when i work this out; I will go to the doctor and pay what ever needs to be paid, fix what ever needs to be fixed, and hope we will have one (maybe twins, but hopefully not septuplets). But i have always wanted one with you. We talked about it, more than we talked about our wedding and your black gothic type dress. I told you i want to be able to spoil our baby/babies. But in and of that fact, what i didn't say or tell you, is i don't want them to be around any of the shit most of my family has had to grow up around or go through, what Nat and Andy have had to grow up around.

Lastly, I would only wish you luck if i thought for a millisecond that you needed it. Even if you didn't have your credentials, I can't see anyone saying no to you. But i do wish you luck my love.
Luck and an so much more. Love you ; )

I thought...

...it was going to be another 2 days of forever before you posted anything else if anything else. I don't remember exactly what i said that night, but i do remember what happened. So maybe you didn't technically "throw" the ring, but you didn't hand it to me. Two of the pieces were spread across the table and one fell to the floor. But it doesn't really matter at this point. And the fact that you would only put a ring on my finger if we actually get/got married, actually seems fair.

But i told you in the letter, i pushed you away because i knew at the time i couldn't be able to give you what you deserve. But i was wrong. The fact that i have a felony on my record doesn't help any. But i'm not going to use that as an excuse anymore. I am able to give you what you deserve. I just have to try.

And i always wanted to marry you. I thought about it allot. I've always wanted for us to get married in front or on top of one of the pyramids in Egypt. Or at least honeymoon there. Though i may not share the love or interest that you have for these things. The pyramids are still fucking awesome.

Okay, tylenol p.ms are kicking in. I'm sorry if the poems are confusing to you. I guess they're not in a prose style (not straightforward). And i think i understand. i would try to explain what i think understand, but i'm pretty drowsy right now and don't think i should try right now.

Goodnight Megan

Untitled

As i lay me down to sleep,
I pray to the lord this pain to take,
So should i die before i wake,
Let the world know,
T'was from heart break,
Though this life be it what we make,
We never see what is at stake,
All the dreams that we forsake,
It is why some love,
What others hate.

Jesus help me

Well, thank you for letting me know that you are reading these.I'll try to stop making separate posts that speak directly to you. But i can't stop saying i love you. If i had had to choose between loving you and breathing, i would use my last breath to tell you i love you.

And yes, i remember every horrible thing i've said to you and what its done. You never deserved any of it. I was angry and hurt. though i always seem to be the one who angered and hurt myself. That's why i keep telling you i'm sorry. That night you called me and told me you were pregnant,
I should have been at your door asap. I never needed porn, can't say why i had it. I'm just a guy i guess. I look at the other half of the pics i left with you and know i had the most beautiful woman in my bed. In the rain. and you stayed. A month and a half ago, i was going to sue for the ring. Went to the courthouse, filled out all the forms. And the day before i was going to file them,i remembered what you told me:"Don't ever take it off my finger unless you don't love me anymore". So even though you had thrown it on the floor that night, i realized i was doing it again. I was about to take my anger and pain out on someone who didn't deserve it. I may have been hurting because of you. But other than that night and the fact you never put a ring on my finger. I have never really been hurt by you. You have done nothing but love me. I'm sorry.

As for me succeeding only if u want me? Not true at all. I had already signed up for college classes. And you know im not dumb or incapable. But you are my love. No matter what accomplishments this life may hold for me, or those that i hold for this life. Without you it's not worth any of it.

Before i got on the computer and read what you first wrote, i had come home crying. I had given up completely. I had to tell my mom that its not her fault, because i know if i didn't she might blame herself.She tried to talk to me. And i told her the same thing i'm telling you now. It's not worth it. It's not worth going through life pretending not to be sad, with these kind of regrets.

Then there's whats going on around here at home. I would go into it, but it's almost as sad and as heartbreaking as all of these poems. The only thing that isn't taking it to that level is the fact that it doesn't come as much of a surprise.

Anyway,I think i've addressed about everything that you wrote. It kinda makes me not want to persevere. But i'm not going to give up or do it half ass. Not this time. I'm going to give it all i've got and then some. I love you.

fml.

I went to the interview. Problem is, apparently their internet appointments are messed up, so there was no interview. Though I spoke to a manager and she told me to call tomorrow morning when the h-r is there. Also there's a lot of people trying to fill this same position. But i have a good feeling about it. I know i can present myself exceptionally well and speak eloquently when i want to, which i'm sure will put me ahead of alot of the other applicants.

Well, it feels like forever since you wrote anything on here. Even though it's only been 2 days.
I wonder if you're reading this at all. Or if you're reading it and just not posting anything.
I shouldn't be worrying about it though. I know i need to stay focused on finding a job and my school work. It's just hard to do so. You're constantly on my mind. I continue to go back and read what you have written here.It makes me want to hold you in my arms even more.

Love you