fml stands for "fuck my life"...And i wasn't speaking of someone in my family stumbling upon this.
I was speaking of people who know how to use the net and computers. I only found this site when i googled something and a couple of peoples blogs popped up.
These poems are not and were never meant to woo you. They are just an outlet for my love,pain, and anguish. I wanted you to know how i felt. I never even considered you calling,seeing, or talking to me ever again.The look in your eyes that day told me as much.But i am glad you like them. Even if some of them are confusing.
But i know how you are when you get stressed.I'm so so so sorry i've done this to you. To us.
I don't know what to say. I love you.
As for what i've said to David and Sadied or anyone else for that matter. I really couldn't say much.Not in words anyway. In Davids case, he's struggling enough as it is.He knew for a minute how sad and fucked up i was. And he knew what it was about. After all he is my brother. But if i tried to sit down and have a conversation with anyone about any of this i would break down.
At one point i was so fucked up over this i walked into the damn corner market over here and the lady behind the counter took a glance at me and immediately asked if i was okay. I'm still not. But, for the time being i will pretend.
Again babe, please don't worry about me or any of this. This is for me to worry about. The one thing i never want to do is hurt you,ever again. I wish i could take back all the hurt i've created for us. That letter and these poems were never intended or expected to somehow bring you back to me. I know i just wrote this a minute ago,but: I love you. If there ever is to be an "us" again, I don't want to give it what i always have. Because then i'll just get what i've always got. I want to give it something different, something better. So stop being so stressed. Stop thinking so much.
Just know that i love you.Know that i miss you. I know where you stand on all of this. I know you love me, and i know you miss me too. So there's nothing really to think about. Either i'm going to fail or succeed in my attempt to do this right. I know the consequences of both. If i fail, then i don't deserve you, regardless of how much i love you. If i succeed, i probably still don't deserve you. But then that's where it's going to be up to you, that's when you are going to have to think about things. Not now, not yet.
In closing: On the P.S. part...Well,she's taken care of. I can say that for sure. Judy and Jimmy and Joyce would have nothing else.Because how else would they supplement their incomes.
As for me, you know how much i love my grandmother. And when she does leave this world i will be very fucking sad.But at the same time, I will be happy for her. She has told me numerous times how she has prayed and prayed then prayed some more for God to just take her. And i don't blame her. I mean, she has been without her beloved for twenty-seven years. Put yourself in her shoes for a second (but like i said, don't think too much). Imagine if we spent 40+ years together,then one of us passed.Then being stuck here without the other for as long as she has been? Not cool. Soooo not cool. Like i said, i will be very sad from missing her. Man, i remember being a little kid, playing kings corners or Gin Rummy with her in the living room. Or even before that, when i was like 4. She would be at bingo until 12-2 in the morning. I would stay awake and wait for her to get home. When i was a little kid, my grandma was my best friend. I just realized i never told you any of this. But at the same time I had forgotten. fml.
I love you Megan, thank you for reminding me,seriously.
Thursday, September 3, 2009
The Struggle
I must fight
To stay on my feet
So many blows
This worlds dealt me
No matter what
I shall stand
And take this pain
Like a man
Though i will not win
I cannot lose
Because when i come home
I'll come to you
I'll squeeze you tight
With kisses too
Then i'll let loose
the good news
I lost the fight,
You won the war
Because all along
My love is yours
To stay on my feet
So many blows
This worlds dealt me
No matter what
I shall stand
And take this pain
Like a man
Though i will not win
I cannot lose
Because when i come home
I'll come to you
I'll squeeze you tight
With kisses too
Then i'll let loose
the good news
I lost the fight,
You won the war
Because all along
My love is yours
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
Oh my love:
I'm sorry you are having a bad day. I really am. But i'm not sure what you meant when you wrote you "want to give up and quit you are not successful".Did you mean you want to quit but can't? Or that you feel like you're not successful? I don't know what to say about the first one.
What i can tell you is that you are successful. I know it may not seem like it with how much your mom pilfers your purse; but i don't know anyone who has accomplished as much as you have at our age. I know it's hell with your mom. Above the fact that my room is a hellish mess, If i thought i deserved it at all i would ask you to come back and stay with me.
I'm pretty sure we were still seeing each other (i was going to put "together" in lieu of "seeing each other", but you never really left me) when i was trying to get a restraining order on jimmy. With the optimal goal of getting him out of the house. Well mainly judy, but no one in the family would have my back in the matter. Before we went to court, after i got the temporary, He was gone, shit was getting better. Then it got shot down, he came back, his check got cut down to $700 and he started getting his money same place i have been (grandma). Only difference is he isn't getting 10 here, 20 there. 2-4 days after he gets his check, he goes in and cleans out her wallet for her, which is at least 1 g . A week after that he'll get get a check from her for a few hundred, and so on every week until the 1st comes around and the cycle starts again. Even then nobody kicked jimmy out. Instead Joyce and Judy went with grandma to the bank, closed her savings, and opened an account in their name with all the money. So now you know what i meant about how sad yet un-surprising things here have become.
But don't be lonely. I'm always here for you. And my family has known for a long long time how i feel about you. They knew even more when i put a ring on your finger. lol, david hasn't even put a ring on sadied. As for what i've said...Just regrets, about how i've fucked up. That night before i read you're first post, i told my mom how much it hurt that you hated me and wouldn't even talk 2 me.Really though, what else could i have said? But no one knows about this. No one knows about all the poems. I put the intro thing at the top just in case somebody should stumble upon it and wonder "what the fuck?". If and when we work this out though i hope i can still write you a poem everyday.I know i will try, but i also know i only write anything good when i'm really sad.
I've got a ton of raps and poems all of this gd house you've never seen. Most of them suck though. I've looked at them and know if i sat there with them i could take pieces from each one and put them together to make a few really good ones, just never have.
I've been meaning to address the part you wrote about us not being able to conceive, didn't know where exactly to put it in all this, figure this is just a good a place as any i guess. So again: if and when we work this out...better yet when i work this out; I will go to the doctor and pay what ever needs to be paid, fix what ever needs to be fixed, and hope we will have one (maybe twins, but hopefully not septuplets). But i have always wanted one with you. We talked about it, more than we talked about our wedding and your black gothic type dress. I told you i want to be able to spoil our baby/babies. But in and of that fact, what i didn't say or tell you, is i don't want them to be around any of the shit most of my family has had to grow up around or go through, what Nat and Andy have had to grow up around.
Lastly, I would only wish you luck if i thought for a millisecond that you needed it. Even if you didn't have your credentials, I can't see anyone saying no to you. But i do wish you luck my love.
Luck and an so much more. Love you ; )
What i can tell you is that you are successful. I know it may not seem like it with how much your mom pilfers your purse; but i don't know anyone who has accomplished as much as you have at our age. I know it's hell with your mom. Above the fact that my room is a hellish mess, If i thought i deserved it at all i would ask you to come back and stay with me.
I'm pretty sure we were still seeing each other (i was going to put "together" in lieu of "seeing each other", but you never really left me) when i was trying to get a restraining order on jimmy. With the optimal goal of getting him out of the house. Well mainly judy, but no one in the family would have my back in the matter. Before we went to court, after i got the temporary, He was gone, shit was getting better. Then it got shot down, he came back, his check got cut down to $700 and he started getting his money same place i have been (grandma). Only difference is he isn't getting 10 here, 20 there. 2-4 days after he gets his check, he goes in and cleans out her wallet for her, which is at least 1 g . A week after that he'll get get a check from her for a few hundred, and so on every week until the 1st comes around and the cycle starts again. Even then nobody kicked jimmy out. Instead Joyce and Judy went with grandma to the bank, closed her savings, and opened an account in their name with all the money. So now you know what i meant about how sad yet un-surprising things here have become.
But don't be lonely. I'm always here for you. And my family has known for a long long time how i feel about you. They knew even more when i put a ring on your finger. lol, david hasn't even put a ring on sadied. As for what i've said...Just regrets, about how i've fucked up. That night before i read you're first post, i told my mom how much it hurt that you hated me and wouldn't even talk 2 me.Really though, what else could i have said? But no one knows about this. No one knows about all the poems. I put the intro thing at the top just in case somebody should stumble upon it and wonder "what the fuck?". If and when we work this out though i hope i can still write you a poem everyday.I know i will try, but i also know i only write anything good when i'm really sad.
I've got a ton of raps and poems all of this gd house you've never seen. Most of them suck though. I've looked at them and know if i sat there with them i could take pieces from each one and put them together to make a few really good ones, just never have.
I've been meaning to address the part you wrote about us not being able to conceive, didn't know where exactly to put it in all this, figure this is just a good a place as any i guess. So again: if and when we work this out...better yet when i work this out; I will go to the doctor and pay what ever needs to be paid, fix what ever needs to be fixed, and hope we will have one (maybe twins, but hopefully not septuplets). But i have always wanted one with you. We talked about it, more than we talked about our wedding and your black gothic type dress. I told you i want to be able to spoil our baby/babies. But in and of that fact, what i didn't say or tell you, is i don't want them to be around any of the shit most of my family has had to grow up around or go through, what Nat and Andy have had to grow up around.
Lastly, I would only wish you luck if i thought for a millisecond that you needed it. Even if you didn't have your credentials, I can't see anyone saying no to you. But i do wish you luck my love.
Luck and an so much more. Love you ; )
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
I thought...
...it was going to be another 2 days of forever before you posted anything else if anything else. I don't remember exactly what i said that night, but i do remember what happened. So maybe you didn't technically "throw" the ring, but you didn't hand it to me. Two of the pieces were spread across the table and one fell to the floor. But it doesn't really matter at this point. And the fact that you would only put a ring on my finger if we actually get/got married, actually seems fair.
But i told you in the letter, i pushed you away because i knew at the time i couldn't be able to give you what you deserve. But i was wrong. The fact that i have a felony on my record doesn't help any. But i'm not going to use that as an excuse anymore. I am able to give you what you deserve. I just have to try.
And i always wanted to marry you. I thought about it allot. I've always wanted for us to get married in front or on top of one of the pyramids in Egypt. Or at least honeymoon there. Though i may not share the love or interest that you have for these things. The pyramids are still fucking awesome.
Okay, tylenol p.ms are kicking in. I'm sorry if the poems are confusing to you. I guess they're not in a prose style (not straightforward). And i think i understand. i would try to explain what i think understand, but i'm pretty drowsy right now and don't think i should try right now.
Goodnight Megan
But i told you in the letter, i pushed you away because i knew at the time i couldn't be able to give you what you deserve. But i was wrong. The fact that i have a felony on my record doesn't help any. But i'm not going to use that as an excuse anymore. I am able to give you what you deserve. I just have to try.
And i always wanted to marry you. I thought about it allot. I've always wanted for us to get married in front or on top of one of the pyramids in Egypt. Or at least honeymoon there. Though i may not share the love or interest that you have for these things. The pyramids are still fucking awesome.
Okay, tylenol p.ms are kicking in. I'm sorry if the poems are confusing to you. I guess they're not in a prose style (not straightforward). And i think i understand. i would try to explain what i think understand, but i'm pretty drowsy right now and don't think i should try right now.
Goodnight Megan
Untitled
As i lay me down to sleep,
I pray to the lord this pain to take,
So should i die before i wake,
Let the world know,
T'was from heart break,
Though this life be it what we make,
We never see what is at stake,
All the dreams that we forsake,
It is why some love,
What others hate.
I pray to the lord this pain to take,
So should i die before i wake,
Let the world know,
T'was from heart break,
Though this life be it what we make,
We never see what is at stake,
All the dreams that we forsake,
It is why some love,
What others hate.
Jesus help me
Well, thank you for letting me know that you are reading these.I'll try to stop making separate posts that speak directly to you. But i can't stop saying i love you. If i had had to choose between loving you and breathing, i would use my last breath to tell you i love you.
And yes, i remember every horrible thing i've said to you and what its done. You never deserved any of it. I was angry and hurt. though i always seem to be the one who angered and hurt myself. That's why i keep telling you i'm sorry. That night you called me and told me you were pregnant,
I should have been at your door asap. I never needed porn, can't say why i had it. I'm just a guy i guess. I look at the other half of the pics i left with you and know i had the most beautiful woman in my bed. In the rain. and you stayed. A month and a half ago, i was going to sue for the ring. Went to the courthouse, filled out all the forms. And the day before i was going to file them,i remembered what you told me:"Don't ever take it off my finger unless you don't love me anymore". So even though you had thrown it on the floor that night, i realized i was doing it again. I was about to take my anger and pain out on someone who didn't deserve it. I may have been hurting because of you. But other than that night and the fact you never put a ring on my finger. I have never really been hurt by you. You have done nothing but love me. I'm sorry.
As for me succeeding only if u want me? Not true at all. I had already signed up for college classes. And you know im not dumb or incapable. But you are my love. No matter what accomplishments this life may hold for me, or those that i hold for this life. Without you it's not worth any of it.
Before i got on the computer and read what you first wrote, i had come home crying. I had given up completely. I had to tell my mom that its not her fault, because i know if i didn't she might blame herself.She tried to talk to me. And i told her the same thing i'm telling you now. It's not worth it. It's not worth going through life pretending not to be sad, with these kind of regrets.
Then there's whats going on around here at home. I would go into it, but it's almost as sad and as heartbreaking as all of these poems. The only thing that isn't taking it to that level is the fact that it doesn't come as much of a surprise.
Anyway,I think i've addressed about everything that you wrote. It kinda makes me not want to persevere. But i'm not going to give up or do it half ass. Not this time. I'm going to give it all i've got and then some. I love you.
And yes, i remember every horrible thing i've said to you and what its done. You never deserved any of it. I was angry and hurt. though i always seem to be the one who angered and hurt myself. That's why i keep telling you i'm sorry. That night you called me and told me you were pregnant,
I should have been at your door asap. I never needed porn, can't say why i had it. I'm just a guy i guess. I look at the other half of the pics i left with you and know i had the most beautiful woman in my bed. In the rain. and you stayed. A month and a half ago, i was going to sue for the ring. Went to the courthouse, filled out all the forms. And the day before i was going to file them,i remembered what you told me:"Don't ever take it off my finger unless you don't love me anymore". So even though you had thrown it on the floor that night, i realized i was doing it again. I was about to take my anger and pain out on someone who didn't deserve it. I may have been hurting because of you. But other than that night and the fact you never put a ring on my finger. I have never really been hurt by you. You have done nothing but love me. I'm sorry.
As for me succeeding only if u want me? Not true at all. I had already signed up for college classes. And you know im not dumb or incapable. But you are my love. No matter what accomplishments this life may hold for me, or those that i hold for this life. Without you it's not worth any of it.
Before i got on the computer and read what you first wrote, i had come home crying. I had given up completely. I had to tell my mom that its not her fault, because i know if i didn't she might blame herself.She tried to talk to me. And i told her the same thing i'm telling you now. It's not worth it. It's not worth going through life pretending not to be sad, with these kind of regrets.
Then there's whats going on around here at home. I would go into it, but it's almost as sad and as heartbreaking as all of these poems. The only thing that isn't taking it to that level is the fact that it doesn't come as much of a surprise.
Anyway,I think i've addressed about everything that you wrote. It kinda makes me not want to persevere. But i'm not going to give up or do it half ass. Not this time. I'm going to give it all i've got and then some. I love you.
fml.
I went to the interview. Problem is, apparently their internet appointments are messed up, so there was no interview. Though I spoke to a manager and she told me to call tomorrow morning when the h-r is there. Also there's a lot of people trying to fill this same position. But i have a good feeling about it. I know i can present myself exceptionally well and speak eloquently when i want to, which i'm sure will put me ahead of alot of the other applicants.
Well, it feels like forever since you wrote anything on here. Even though it's only been 2 days.
I wonder if you're reading this at all. Or if you're reading it and just not posting anything.
I shouldn't be worrying about it though. I know i need to stay focused on finding a job and my school work. It's just hard to do so. You're constantly on my mind. I continue to go back and read what you have written here.It makes me want to hold you in my arms even more.
Love you
Well, it feels like forever since you wrote anything on here. Even though it's only been 2 days.
I wonder if you're reading this at all. Or if you're reading it and just not posting anything.
I shouldn't be worrying about it though. I know i need to stay focused on finding a job and my school work. It's just hard to do so. You're constantly on my mind. I continue to go back and read what you have written here.It makes me want to hold you in my arms even more.
Love you
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