Suicide by starvation?

 I'm surely dying, and glad of it.  Seven days without any food and but a couple sips of water in the first 48 hours.  I am letting myself have energy drinks, but other than that I'm not ingesting anything.  

I hope so bad my body shuts down and this is all over before someone has medics drag me to the hospital and force sustenance into me. But in the meantime, as I lay here with nothing better to do but wonder how my life has turned out this way: I wish so hard I could just go home, to that dingy, cold patio we spent so much time together in, and you be there in your p.js waiting for me. 

I can close my eyes and see it. You're mad because you've been missing me and waiting for me. You ask me "where have you been?"...

All I can say is "I'm sorry" as I walk up to u and wrap my arms around you

That's when I start sobbing though. Because it's all just a delusion in my head.  With tears streaming down my face I open my eyes and I'm in this rancid garage attached to another house not far from the place I somehow still consider home.  

I wish we could've been allowed to just love each other Meg, and I'm sorry for everything.  I just want to hold you again so bad my love.  

Every day is hell

 This is so hard for me.  Its bad enough having to be going through what i have been with this last chick.  But on top of that my moms being her usual cuntish self treating me like shit for no real reason, and in the process decided to remind me of M.

M was the reason i started this blog.  We were young (in our 20s) and stupid in love with eachother.  But we were young, and both sucked at communicating. Whether it was with ourselves or to one another.

One of the biggest things i wish i could go back and say to her is how much i needed to actually feel loved by her.  Especially when we slept together.  Sometimes when we were able to take a mid day nap, it was great.  We actually held eachother, and slept *together*.  But when it was actually time for us to go to bed, i was always pushed away. Literally and figuratively. Cuz even once i got in some kinda position that didnt disturb her, she would still complain "your nose is whistling" or something else where alot of times, i ended up having to sleep with my back to her. And i hated it.

I loved her, and i wanted to be close when we were in bed.  I wish i couldve said so when it was going on. Cuz maybe she wouldve understood why i didnt come to bed alot of times. Staying up playimg video games until i just couldnt stay awake longer. But i didnt realize it at the time. I just reacted to the hurt, which hurt her more, then i felt guilty...it was just a vicious cycle.

But i wish i could tell her all this shit.  Cuz i know we're both still wounded from all the stuff we went thru when we were together, nevermind everything that we did to eachother after.  I miss her dearly tho, and if you ever read this baby girl: i still love you. I still cry over you. And i miss you.

Love Alone

 I love you with my every breath,

I give until there's nothing left,

My soul is yours, my smile too,

But right now im lost,

Since i'm without you.

So take my dreams,

While i shed these tears,

Loves eternal flame still burns brightly,

As it has and will,

For countless years,

And though i can feel you,

When my eyes i close,

Next to me,

Is where i need you most.

I hate who im becoming

I guess its pretty obvious that this pain is turning into an outward anger.  But how many times am i going to give my heart, and try so hard, only to be treated like nothing more than an emotional punching bag so someone else can feel better?  I did everything right. I loved with everything i have. For about a day anf half i thought it was going good.  She unblocked me, told me she told the other dude to fuck off, and she actually said she loved me.  So i rushed back to be with her.  But as soon as i got back to san diego, thats when her coldness returned.  So now im back, living in this shit hole. Having to beg for food, that i have to spend cash on (when i have money that i funds for groceries), just the worst of conditions.  I would be better off on the street for real.  

All because i had some foolish hope that things would be different this time.  Yet here i am, cold and alone. Almost broke and no way out.  I know i deserve better, so why must i keep getting shit on by people who i love and trust? Wheres my reciprocity? 

Never again

i gave a fuck

Once or twice

But aint nuthin 

thats nice left

Im prayin every day that

My next one be my last breath

I crave death

Like a cigarette

After you had sex

Cuz lifes been fucking me

In the ass 

With a fat cactus

So dont get the shit twisted 

I been living with this madness

Since day 1

My mama knew 

id grew up to be the badest

Im outlandish

And sporadical

Highly unpredictable

I might slit yo fuckin neck

Then stick my dick in it

Thats how i get busy fool

So go on head

do whatchu do

Just clear the way

When im comin thru

Bust 16 shots 

Aimin straight at you

Your momma 

And your cousin too

Im unnstoppable

Even if im on wax

Remainin uncoppable

Reload it cock it 

Call it what u want

I bust shots

Like an alcoholic

Gone

Im a bit disappointed in myself and the fact that i wasnt able to start posting here regularly. When i was making my last post, that was something i felt i should do.  Not just for myself, but so someday i might share my story with others.  

Unfortunately, i dont really care anymore.  Last night i asked my love, the one who repeatedly treated me like shit for loving her: if she had the rona, would she let me go help take care of her?  In other words, if she were on what might could be her deathbed, if she would finally just let me love her.  And her answer was still no.  

I dont understand why the universe would do this to me.  Allow me to see her and i' painful end over a decade before i even knew who she was, only to let me fall in love with her and go through all this.   I love(d?) her with everything i had.  Supported her as much as i could. All to be left worse than heart broken. 

It really doesnt hurt anymore.  Its just an emptiness where my heart used to be.  Maybe i just didnt have enough love left to start with.   Whatever it was, i know im done being the caring person i have been in the past.  My love is gone, and ill probably never let anyone anywhere near close enough to give it back.

Near Instant regret

Well, i followed thru with my plan. I woke up friday, got dressed, made my way to a rooftop downtown, and said my goodbyes.  But when i stepped to the edge, i couldn't jump.  As badly as i wanted to, i couldnt help but think of how bad it would hurt, even if only for a moment.  So i came down.

I couldnt go back though. There really is nothing good for me in san diego, and i had to escape.  Mexico was no longer an option, because i knew i wouldnt be able to stop thinking about Ali.  Taking that into consideration, i did the only thing i could think of: went to the airport and booked a seat on the next flight out of california.  My destination: denver colorado.  There was an hour between my buying the ticket and boarding time, which in and of itself is pretty insignificant, though i would like to remember the young couple who shared the booze they couldnt finish before their boarding started.

It was my first time flying as an adult. The last time being when i was about 11.  Pretty uneventful, though the takeoff was fun. Sadly i wasnt able to score a window seat. 

 Getting off the plane was a bit much.  Going from a very compact space into the huge terminal at denver international was for sure a sensory shock.  Not to mention the fact that, besides the fact i knew i had to leave the airport and somehow make my way into the city, i was clueless as to where to go next.  Eventually, i did make it outside, and thats when the regret of not having just jumped off that rooftop hit me harder than the fall would have.  It wasnt any kind of epiphany or anything so spectacular, but the simple fact that its winter. In denver.  And i was not dressed properly.  A single layer and a light cotton sweatshirt vs. freezing temperatures is not a battle easily won. Still, i pressed on.

Following the signs i found my way to the area where the shuttles and busses were.  Alongside these were a train, which i found out was headed for downtown, and i promptly hopped on.  After a ride that felt like alot longer than it probably was, i got off at union station and began my search for a place to stay the night.  This search was made all the more difficult due to the fact that my phone was dead.  No ones ever mentioned the fact the airplanes apparently dont have usb ports to charge devices. Something even greyhound buses have been able to apply to their fleet of buses.

Anyway, this is where the universe decided to start fucking with me again.  Though it was still a little while before the connection would be made;i was walking through what i know now to be the downtown denver mall, shortly after closing, looking for a hotel.  Smoking a cigarette, i was naturally approached by someone hard up for a nicotine fix.  This time it was an older gentleman, apparently intoxicated. This made so by his overt friendliness. Not to mention the fact he gave zero fucks about wearing a mask or shaking my hand.  In his outgoing disposition, i was able to get a small glimpse into the mans life.  I wish i had taken the time to write this down earlier, as i dont remember his name, but he was an lakotan(i think) indian warrior from south dakota.  As well as a devil dog, with 29 confirmed kills.  Sadly, he was seemingly as lost as i was and also asked for direction, which i wasnt able to give due to my phone being dead.  

After a bit more walking, i finally ran into one of my people who kinda told me how to get to the part of the hood with the "cheap" hotels.  I put cheap in qoutations because $70 is *not* cheap.  Less expensive than the places downtown ($129 for one night, and im guessing a $50-100 deposit), but not cheap.  Once i made it to said part of town is the other half of that connection i was talking about.

There were plenty of hotels up and down the avenue. A few had lights on in the offices, but where i ended up: a hotel called the awahnee.  My spelling is probably incorrect, but an indian named hotel.  Im loath to say it was indian themed because besides the name and a bust of an indian head in the office, it was just a basic old motel.  Still, it was a sign.  How on the first steps of what i hope is a new chapter in my life i shared a moment with an old indian guy, then end up in an indian named hotel..? Maybe the sign was blank. Like it wasnt meant to say or tell me anything. Just a coincidence.  

Or, maybe its meant to tell me something.  What that something is, im not sure yet.  Maybe i should set my sights to living with native/real americans.  Maybe i should go pursure a degree in shamanology and follow in the footsteps of terrance mckenna.  I dont know. At least not yet.