When is enough enough?

 I think tomorrow ill do it.  Just take a cab downtown, get on a roof, maybe say goodbye one last time to Ali, and jump. I know ill be scared, but this heartache isnt gonna go away, and if i can make ali be honest with me about why she hates the even the idea of being with me: im sure it will give me all the motivation i need to finally put an end to it.

A love letter that i may never send

 Ali, 

I wish you could understand how much i love you.  If you did you would know that no matter how much you try to hurt me or push me away, it wont go away.  Even though you tell me repeatedly you dont feel the same, i cant let it go.  I know i should, and life might be a little easier for me if i did, but my heart wont let it happen.  Even as worthless as i end up feeling because of it, i cant.  So yeah, i do want you to love me the same.  Nothing would make me happier.  I dont even know what im trying to say here, in this letter i probably wont ever show you.  Theres just so much inside me that youre the cause of which i need to confess.  You told me you werent ready for a serious relationship, and then you told me youd never give me a chance to love you (remembering that last bit destroys me), but my hearts already commited myself to you, plus a future with you is the only future i care to see.  I love you with every fiber of my being ali, and i always will.

Such a sorrowful existence

 Well, i made it through most of the day alright, mainly because i had people (sort of) around.  I knew once the games got turned off though, it would be right back to this. The reality of it all.  What else is there to say about how fucked i am? For now all i can do is whimper myself to sleep and hope i dont wake up.  Lucky for me heartbreak is real and it can kill you.

Sorry M

 I have to admit: i feel kinda bad for fucking up what this blog/page was, by turning it into what its been (just a place where i write whatever).  Maybe i shouldnt care, since i really dont think m would bother with coming back to this page, even if she did care to remember this blogs address.  Still, for some reason, i feel bad. 

How many days?

I sincerely wish i would simply die.  Its pretty obvious how worthless i am.  Even the universe takes me for a joke.  To finally find someone ive waited half my life for, only to have my love shunned.  As if my life werent fucked up enough.  Today was just icing on the cake though.  While adorable in a way, i had to deal with a kid encouraging me as if i were a fucking retard.  And for what? The reminder that damn near every employer drug tests and will deny employment for having weed in your system.  Damn near every other drug:understandable.  But weed?? 

Im digressing though, which isnt such a bad thing considering whats really weighing on my soul.  Which is the fact that i do not want to live another day.  Theres no point and i dont belong here.  I know what i have to do, i just hope i can follow thru.  Maybe if i close my eyes it will be easier.  A couple drinks probably would help as well.  It really is fucked that i was resuscitated 2 years ago.  I was at peace and actually able to take my life without harming anyone else. Now i have to worry about someone random getting hurt, probably trying to stop me.  Fuck it i guess.  I should really just start showing the world the same consideration its shown me.  

I cant let those be my last words

 The last post i sent to her, and made her block me.  Been crying about ever since.  So im using another account to message her and at least tell her im sorry, That im an idiot, and i dont know what else. But im writing it here to copy and paste again...

You probably dont want to hear it, but i am sorry.  It took me a day or so, but i realize now i probably overreacted a bit. Maybe its because i have the emotional maturity of a child,  or maybe the fact that im scared of my love for you.  Whatever the reason, i regret making you block me.  

I dont know what else to say.  Im not even sure how you really feel about me.  I like to think that deep down you do kinda feel the same as i do, but for whatever reason/s, youre scared too.

If you've read this far, thank you: because its more than i deserve.  If these are my last words i speak to you: maybe i am crazy, but my love for you is real, and my heart literally aches for you.

Forever yours,

Gringosito

My last goodbye?

Theres just so much i want to say that i almost cant say anything.   I love you.  I feel like an idiot for it, and i wish i could stop, but you really are the one ive waited almost half my life for.  When i told you about me being psychic, i was hoping you would ask about us so i could tell you.  I dont know anyone else's future but my own, even that ive only had glimpses of, but i know you are the last woman i will ever love,as well as the one i have loved the most.

So if you honestly dont feel anything for me, just block me.  You really cant hurt me anymore than i already do.  Go be happy with whoever the other guy youve been talking to is and forget about me.  Im used to not being good enough.