Sorry M

 I have to admit: i feel kinda bad for fucking up what this blog/page was, by turning it into what its been (just a place where i write whatever).  Maybe i shouldnt care, since i really dont think m would bother with coming back to this page, even if she did care to remember this blogs address.  Still, for some reason, i feel bad. 

How many days?

I sincerely wish i would simply die.  Its pretty obvious how worthless i am.  Even the universe takes me for a joke.  To finally find someone ive waited half my life for, only to have my love shunned.  As if my life werent fucked up enough.  Today was just icing on the cake though.  While adorable in a way, i had to deal with a kid encouraging me as if i were a fucking retard.  And for what? The reminder that damn near every employer drug tests and will deny employment for having weed in your system.  Damn near every other drug:understandable.  But weed?? 

Im digressing though, which isnt such a bad thing considering whats really weighing on my soul.  Which is the fact that i do not want to live another day.  Theres no point and i dont belong here.  I know what i have to do, i just hope i can follow thru.  Maybe if i close my eyes it will be easier.  A couple drinks probably would help as well.  It really is fucked that i was resuscitated 2 years ago.  I was at peace and actually able to take my life without harming anyone else. Now i have to worry about someone random getting hurt, probably trying to stop me.  Fuck it i guess.  I should really just start showing the world the same consideration its shown me.  

I cant let those be my last words

 The last post i sent to her, and made her block me.  Been crying about ever since.  So im using another account to message her and at least tell her im sorry, That im an idiot, and i dont know what else. But im writing it here to copy and paste again...

You probably dont want to hear it, but i am sorry.  It took me a day or so, but i realize now i probably overreacted a bit. Maybe its because i have the emotional maturity of a child,  or maybe the fact that im scared of my love for you.  Whatever the reason, i regret making you block me.  

I dont know what else to say.  Im not even sure how you really feel about me.  I like to think that deep down you do kinda feel the same as i do, but for whatever reason/s, youre scared too.

If you've read this far, thank you: because its more than i deserve.  If these are my last words i speak to you: maybe i am crazy, but my love for you is real, and my heart literally aches for you.

Forever yours,

Gringosito

My last goodbye?

Theres just so much i want to say that i almost cant say anything.   I love you.  I feel like an idiot for it, and i wish i could stop, but you really are the one ive waited almost half my life for.  When i told you about me being psychic, i was hoping you would ask about us so i could tell you.  I dont know anyone else's future but my own, even that ive only had glimpses of, but i know you are the last woman i will ever love,as well as the one i have loved the most.

So if you honestly dont feel anything for me, just block me.  You really cant hurt me anymore than i already do.  Go be happy with whoever the other guy youve been talking to is and forget about me.  Im used to not being good enough.  

No habla

 

Como se dice

I love you

Sin nosotros no he conocido

Como se dice

I need you close

sin yo no he sintio el calor tu abrazarse

Como se dice

Im yours forever

cuando nosotros nunca tenido el tiempo

Todavia mi corazon late por tu

y las palabras permanecen tácitas

But at what cost?

With so much on my heart that i feel the need to write about, its hard coming back again to this blog.  As my heart still aches for M, the woman i started this blog for, it seems i have finally found the one ive waited half of my life for.

Throughout my life, i have been able to glimpse parts of my future while asleep. It started when i was around six, where for a few days straight, basically dreamt the entirety of the next day.  Eventually, i became scared of what was happening, and it stopped.  For awhile anyway.  

As i entered my teenage years, these "glimpses" started occurring.  In the guise of dreams, i could see and experience parts of my future.  Which may sound cool, but ive yet to figure any of it out.  And whats worse is that im only able to consciously recall the most upsetting of these future moments.

Which brings me to now, sort of...

One of my visions was kneeling at the foot of a grave, crying my eyes out, because the person whose grave it was passed sooner than they seemingly should have.  But it wasnt a typical sadness i was feeling. This person was my love.  And while the mere thought of having to experience that sorrow, in that moment, has scared me since the morning i awoke from it: i know nothing short of suicide will change anything.

While i have tried to off myself a few times in the dozen ir so years since ive had the dream/vision, i havnt been successful.  And more recently, i sincerely believe i met the woman whom my soul has always truly belonged to.  

I wish i had an actual keyboard

If i did the words would flow more effortlessly. I could sit and let my fingers do the talking.  Now I have to wrestle with a virtual keyboard and autocorrect. Fml.

For what it's worth, I do miss u M.  Not entirely, but those rare times you would let me close. Where I could hold your hand and just be with you... Our naps.  Those moments that there were so few of. The moments I clung to.  

But right now, it's not you my heart is aching for.  While there wasnt anything tangible between her and I, I did meet a woman who sparked life back into my heart.  Just as full of shit as you ever were. Yet and still, just being around her.  Talking to her. Making and seeing her eyes light up when she smiled and laughed her dorky laugh...she made me want to be better.  

But you know how I am. All or nothing.  Exactly why I'm shedding tears over something I could never have: a woman whom truly awakens my soul.  It's okay though, because I'm just going to order a shit ton of seroquel online and end my misery.  At least this time I know better than to message anyone any goodbyes while I'm in the process.  So let this be my goodbye to you my love.  You truly were my one and only.  And 100% right about me not seeing you in my future.  But nor have I seen myself with anyone else, though not for lack of trying.

Still, so much of me belongs to you.  No matter how far away we've pushed eachother.  And with that i will love you til my dying breath.  That breath which I hope to soon take.

Au revoir mi amor