But at what cost?

With so much on my heart that i feel the need to write about, its hard coming back again to this blog.  As my heart still aches for M, the woman i started this blog for, it seems i have finally found the one ive waited half of my life for.

Throughout my life, i have been able to glimpse parts of my future while asleep. It started when i was around six, where for a few days straight, basically dreamt the entirety of the next day.  Eventually, i became scared of what was happening, and it stopped.  For awhile anyway.  

As i entered my teenage years, these "glimpses" started occurring.  In the guise of dreams, i could see and experience parts of my future.  Which may sound cool, but ive yet to figure any of it out.  And whats worse is that im only able to consciously recall the most upsetting of these future moments.

Which brings me to now, sort of...

One of my visions was kneeling at the foot of a grave, crying my eyes out, because the person whose grave it was passed sooner than they seemingly should have.  But it wasnt a typical sadness i was feeling. This person was my love.  And while the mere thought of having to experience that sorrow, in that moment, has scared me since the morning i awoke from it: i know nothing short of suicide will change anything.

While i have tried to off myself a few times in the dozen ir so years since ive had the dream/vision, i havnt been successful.  And more recently, i sincerely believe i met the woman whom my soul has always truly belonged to.